1). I am white, I stand on four legs, but that which I stand for, I shall never attain. What am I?

KA’s Diversity Chair.

2). I am heavy. Intentionally so. You lift me up and hold me close to fill the void of your mediocre childhood and chronic lack of personality. What am I?

The weights in Wilson Gym. 

3). We take classes that do not exist. Sometimes we dribble on wood, sometimes we dribble on pieces of paper and the papers get A’s. We score more points each game than all of our IQs added together. What are we?

UNC’s basketball team.

4). You live in an ideal universe where every student scores all A’s and Duke has won every single National Championship. You walk into an office in the Allen Building; it’s Tallman Trask’s office. He smiles warmly at you and offers you either a Duke Blue pill or a Louisville Red pill. Which do you take?

Trick Question: In an ideal universe, Tallman Trask got fired years ago!

5). I often favor men over women—some say alarmingly frequently—but I’m not gay. What could I possibly be?

The Office of Student Conduct.

6). Pick a number between 1 and 10. Add 4 billion. Now subtract your number. What remains?

TriDelt’s net worth.

7). Who came first: the chicken or the egg?

Who knows—but you’re on the 4th floor of Perkins so pipe the f**k down and give up on becoming a EvAnth major.

8). A boy and his father are caught in a traffic accident, and the father dies. Immediately the boy is rushed to a hospital, suffering from injuries. But the attending surgeon at Duke Health, upon seeing the boy, says “I cannot operate. This boy is my son.” Why won’t the doctor treat him?

Kid forgot his MyChart login: tough break.

9). You sit in a waiting room. As if on cue, every person you know on campus decides to magically run into you. Where are you?


10). Due to a severe lack of toilet paper on campus, my production quantities have been bumped up. What am I?

The Chronicle.

11). So it’s kinda like a frat but it’s not really a frat I mean it kinda is but also like—it’s not. Like we function like one but we’re not connected to a national organization. It’s basically a bunch of guys hanging out and stuff but still it’s definitely not a frat. But it kinda is. But it’s also kinda not. What is it?

Duke Men’s Project.

12). No, really, I picked Economics for my major because I love the subject matter so much. What am I?

A liar.

13). I am vast and transparent but when I was built nobody was like “Hey, maybe we should put like shutters or blinds on this things because it’s gonna be agonizingly bright for most of the day.” What am I?

The Dickbox (a.k.a. The Brodhead Center) (a.k.a. West Union) (a.k.a. The big glass box on campus) (It was a joke about how much sunlight comes in because it’s made of f**king glass. Keep up.) 

14). “The main reason I chose Duke was because of its amazing football program.” Who said this?

Literally no one—not even Duke’s football players. 

15). You walk into a large auditorium and see Grayson Allen on stage, pacing back and forth with a microphone. Before him lies an audience of several thousand people, listening to him give an impassioned speech, breaking occasionally to provide rapturous applause. He spies you across the room and intensely asks for your opinion on Planned Parenthood. The whole crowd turns to look at you. What do you say?

Wait—sorry, that was actually a Ted Cruz rally. This is awkward. 

Tally up your scores! If you scored fewer than 5 then congratulations! Pack your bags and head to UNC, you absolute disgrace. You’ve let us down more than Kyrie Irving let down the entire Nobel Prize-Winning Department of Geology at Duke. 

If you scored between 5-10 then you’re painfully average. You’re the kid that thought they were the cream of the crop at high school only to find out in O-week that half your class cured cancer. Welcome to life. 

If you scored 10+ then you’re one of the kids that cured cancer. We all resent you and wish you’d let us die in peaceful mediocrity. 

Share with your friends to let them know how much of a Duke dumpster fire you are!

Correction: Monday Monday earlier stated mistakenly that Duke’s Department of Geology was “Nobel Prize-winning.” It turns out there is no geology department at Duke but feel free to comment below with your favorite type of rock! Mine’s the big ones!