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Tim Cook admits to intentionally slowing down commencement address to accommodate older generations

In a stunning turn of events the CEO of Apple has reluctantly admitted that he has been writing slower and slower drafts of his commencement speech to allow for the poorer processing ability of the more elderly members present at his address. 

“Just so we’re clear,” said an embattled Cook, “I’m delivering this to a whole range of people. The younger, quicker kids will be able to hear me just fine and I’m sure they’ll keep up no problem. But we’re also dealing with parents and grandparents too—older generations that aren’t as sharp as they once were and so yes, I’ll be slowing things down so they can keep up.”

As of his latest edition, Cook intends to initially say one word every five minutes but will actually update the speech on-the-fly as he delivers it, slowing it down even more to an agonising crawl of one word every thirty minutes. The Nobel Prize-winning Duke Department of Statistics estimates that the speech will last 13 months, triggering an awkward merger between the class of 2019 and the class of 2018, who will still be seated in Wallace Wade by May of 2019. 

The revelation has caused such enormous backlash from both the public and investors that Cook has been forced to make concessions. For the next year, older folks attending graduation will be able to replace the batteries for their hearing aids through Apple at a lowered price of just $29. But waiting times have already skyrocketed to several months and many are worried they won’t be able to get the upgrades by May.

When Monday Monday asked Stanley Dordles—an 83-year-old whose granddaughter will be graduating this year—for his opinion on the matter, he had this to say:

“WHAT?!”

“SPEAK UP”

“TIN COOK? WHAT’S A TIN COOK? WHY WOULD YOU COOK A TIN?!”

Harrowing words indeed; but Stanley Dordles is far from the only one frustrated by these recent events. When told that Wallace Wade would be unavailable to host any Duke football games for the next year, Coach Cutcliffe ordered his special teams to punt his personal collection of Apple devices as far as they possibly could. Five kickers have already been admitted to Duke Hospital with various foot injuries; the last to be brought in reported having fractured a toe on an AirPod and is now the laughing stock of the entire team. Tense paramedics were on standby as the final reserve punter stifled back tears and wound up to kick Cutcliffe’s 13-pound, solid aluminium 2015 iMac. 

With so much controversy surrounding the delivery of the speech, few have taken the time to actually look at its content. But those that have read it through are deeply worried that Cook is merely using the address as a promotional opportunity for Apple’s newest product line. Titled “Unlocking the Potential of College: Using Your Face,” the draft is riddled with clunky metaphors referencing various Apple projects, such as:

“Sometimes you’re going to find yourself lost in life, like a traveller stranded in a desert. Now I know what you’re thinking: use Apple Maps to get out of there, right? Wrong. Still doesn’t work properly—we’re working on that. The point is this: you have to have faith in your own inner compass.”

“Leaving college is like getting rid of the headphone jack; it’s tough at first and you’ll miss it. But eventually you’ll get used to it and, even then, there will always be homecoming—the ol’ “dongle adapter” of life that brings generations back together to awkwardly reconnect us.”

“Follow your heart and don’t be afraid to shoot for the stars; if I can charge someone $999 for a phone, then you can do anything.”

Whether or not Cook decides to alter these sections before he steps up to the podium in May is a mystery. Why on earth he wrote them in the first place is also a complete mystery. But for students graduating in May, the choice facing them is painfully clear: upgrade your grandparents or clear your entire calendar until mid-2019. 

Correction: Monday Monday earlier stated mistakenly that Duke’s Department of Statistics was “Nobel Prize-winning”; as of yet the department has been awarded no such title but Monday Monday is optimistic that if they all just keep dunking downright dubious digits into their big boy calculators something will definitely come along soon.

This is the second time such an error has occurred but Monday Monday sincerely promises not to make it a recurring theme.

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