With reading period on the horizon and the onset of winter weather gracing campus, many Duke students and faculty members are already preparing for the holiday season ahead. One of the more difficult aspects of this time of year is hunting for those perfect gifts for the special people in one’s life. The Editorial Board has decided to alleviate some of that strain by collecting the wish lists of some prominent campus groups. As the collective voice of the student body at Duke, the Editorial Board has subsequently submitted these wish lists to the office of President Price for further consideration.
Among the many Duke student-athletes—or rather their academic tutors—who presented the wish lists of the athletic community to the Editorial Board, the following proved to be the most frequently mentioned. Bigger bluer backpacks, to “better show off the superior status of student-athletes in relation to all the weak non-athletic regular peoples on campus,” along with moped racks by Perkins seem to be the hot items on every athlete's wish list. Moreover, less salt in the caviar at the athletic dining hall inside Blue Devil Tower would very much be appreciated.
Representing over thirty percent of all undergraduates at Duke, members of the Greek community on campus also submitted extensive wish lists. An overwhelmingly large number of fraternity members have requested that salmon shorts and Martha Vineyard shirts finally be made available for sale at the Duke store, along with the creation of another groundbreaking task-force on sexual assault that seldom meets. Among sorority members who submitted wish lists, a pumpkin spice dispensary in the Link was the number one requested item, followed by a #LIT Legally Blonde-themed darty to be held in the Gothic Reading Room (if sororities were allowed to hold parties of course).
DSG senators have formally submitted their wish lists—scrawled on the backs of printed out budget summaries—and the following requests were the most popular. First, they requested legal counsel in order to file a cease-and-desist letter against Jackson Dellinger’s groan-worthy puns and dad jokes. Additionally, they have expressed great interest in finding out the whereabouts of all the many senators who have strangely been absent since midterms. Along with that, many also wrote that they are wishing for a change in the DSG constitution to allow for pajamas and the use of student-subsidized dildos during meeting-times. Moreover, DSG senators also wish to provide a giant blue stress ball to be placed in the middle of Abele quad in order to alleviate the many mental health issues facing the student body.
Finally, if you are considering gifting to the Editorial Board a holiday surprise, here are some tips and suggestions. To begin with, we would like more safe spaces on campus where we can peacefully sip our morning coffee (free-trade, and drunken black of course) while reading secondhand copies of The Communist Manifesto. Secondly, a designated room for our meetings in the Chronicle offices. If the sports section gets their own, why not us too? And, finally, we request far less fake news and far more useless opinion columns. Oh, and a revocation of Stephen Miller’s Duke degree wouldn’t hurt either.
In case you couldn't tell, this was a joke edit! Have a great winter break!
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