Duke always garners attention in the media because our student body fascinates the nation. The wealth, the power and the selectivity Duke represents are the makings of any good click-bait title, so I will be giving the world a sneak peek into the secret and mysterious lives of Duke students. Just like your average undergraduate here, I am a white, aggressively heterosexual male. I like the simple things in life: beer, income inequality and disrespecting sorority sisters. My father is an investment banker and my mother is a corporate litigator, so, in order to uphold the family tradition of making life harder for poor people, I am pursuing a degree in economics.
My morning routine is fairly simple. I wake up, bathe in Axe and put on my Patagonia, even though it stills smells like Shooters from the night before. Next, I brush my teeth with the Bud Light next to my bed and admire the completely unironic Reagan/Bush ‘84 sticker on my wall. Once I decide between joggers or khakis, I walk out of DSig section and call myself an UberSelect to pick me up for my class since I am already 20 minutes late.
Around midday, I get lunch with my fraternity brothers at JB’s in West Union. In between giving my unsolicited opinions about the appearances of female students and making “triggered” jokes, I find time to discuss why reverse racism is real. Once we have finished our meals and left a mess for the dining staff to clean up, we hop on our mopeds (provided by the Duke Lacrosse Endowment) and mow down some first years on our way to Wilson. I then lift dead weights for 40 minutes while making extended eye contact with myself in the mirror. Grabbing a Quenchers protein shake on my way out the door, I head to my political science lecture where I will say that I am playing Devil’s advocate every time I state my actual opinions.
The early afternoon is usually dedicated entirely to playing golf with my Harvard Business School interviewer, who also happens to be my dad’s college friend.
By the time 6 p.m. rolls around, I go to the Commons and order the 16 ounce dry-aged, wood fired porterhouse. I send some pledges a text to go pick me up protein powder at Harris Teeter and call my dad to ask if he has secured a summer internship for me at Morgan Stanley yet. While I am waiting for my meal to arrive, I post something vaguely offensive to the Duke meme page and then text the pledges to react to it with the laughing emoji. After eating, I head back to section, making sure to admire Tallman Trask’s Porsche on the way.
That night, after throwing an apple at a Duke Golf teammate and breaking a club, I watch an episode of Suits on Netflix and feel inspired by Mike. Next, I hang out with my bros and shotgun a few beers. We high five and are able to momentarily forget how deeply lonely we truly are. After my emotions have been suppressed once again by alcohol, I am ready to skim over the econometrics section of my fraternity’s Econ 208 study guide. After a few minutes, I decide to STINF tomorrow and grab some nuggets from McDonalds (got to get those #gains) before heading to bed. As my head hits the pillow, I pledge allegiance to capitalism, blind Nationalism and, of course, Duke basketball.
In case you couldn’t tell, today’s editorial was a joke (except for the part about the apple; that really happened)!
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