The independent news organization of Duke University

Love, the Editorial Board

In honor of Valentine’s Day, the Editorial Board would like to send our appreciation to a few of the many things that we love about Duke.

To Duke’s Lemurs,

We send our avocado-free greetings to the pride and joy of the University since we grew up watching our beloved Zoboomafoo, the most ringed-tail among you, on television. With your wonderfully bushy tails, disproportionately large eyes and unparalleled artistic talent, you all captured our hearts even before we set foot on campus. You are the largest lemur colony outside of Madagascar as well as the largest lemur colony in our hearts.

To our Duke Cards,

You remind us who we are and remain always at our sides. And you never fail to serve as a testament to how bad even the most attractive person can look in a grainy 40 x 60 pixel picture and a steady reminder that we are but a set of a couple numbers to our University. While many others may speak of losing other sorts of cards during this season, we know that we are most likely to lose you. Even though your replacement costs only ten dollars, your loss would leave a permanent void in our hearts, with the ever-growing number on the back of a new card serving as a reminder of you leaving.

To Peaches,

You are a sweet presence on campus that momentarily distracts us from upcoming midterms and the pressure of life at Duke, and your aloofness always keeps us humble. Sure, you have more friends than we ever will, and the amount of time and financial resources compiled for you far outweighs what Duke students would scrape together for the homeless in Durham. But at least you are cute. We send our regards to our favorite campus socialite, and even though you have clearly gained the freshman-fifteen, we still love you!

To Duke Student Government,

The English language provides a lexicon not quite vast enough to describe our deep love for our good friends at Duke Student Government. We may critique you all a lot in editorials, but we promise, our frequent rebukes stem from a place of love. Without the institution of DSG, we would be without free sex toys, wildly popular fit desks and Zagster bikes. Whoops, seems like we are now unfortunately without Zagster bikes anyway. But seriously, thanks for the New York Times subscriptions. Maybe we can get ones for the Wall Street Journal soon?

To The Comment Section of The Chronicle,

Dearest anonymous commenters, where would we be without your aggressive and consistently grammatically incorrect input? From your tangentially related YouTube links to the obscure conspiracy theory videos and your always-enlightening personal attacks, nothing warms our hearts more than providing new content every weekday for you to attack with threats and misdirected anger. Your courage to speak your mind freely with nothing but anonymity on your side is truly inspiring.

In case you couldn’t tell, this editorial was a joke! Happy Valentine's Day!


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