The independent news organization of Duke University

Basketballs are flat

barely functional

Former Duke Basketball player and current NBA star Kyrie Irving has been in the headlines recently as more and more “established” scientists jump on the bandwagon of refuting his claim that the Earth is flat, not round. This puts Irving in good company: just over a year ago, legendary rapper B.o.B. got himself into a similar situation. For the Bill Nyes and Neil DeGrasse Tysons of the world, these rejections of round-Earth orthodoxy have presented an opportunity to gain fame and notoriety by publicly refuting the flat-Earth theory. Many flat-Earthers believe the round-Earth theory was created and popularized by conspiratorial elements who wish to hide the truth from wider society.

But I believe the whole flat/round-Earth debate has itself been a conspiracy to distract us from the real truth hidden right before our eyes: not only is the Earth flat, but so are basketballs.

Think about it. Why would Kyrie Irving, among the billions of humans on Earth, be the only celebrity to publicly renounce the round-Earth theory in over a year? It’s clearly because of his career as a professional basketball player. He’s handled basketballs nearly every day for years, and has developed a subconscious understanding of their geometry and topology. NBA coaches and referees are either in on the conspiracy themselves or have also fallen victim to it; either way, they have been telling Irving—and every other basketball player on Earth since the invention of the sport—to believe basketballs are in fact round spheres, in an Orwellian brainwashing scheme constructed to keep the truth away from society.

It’s a credit to Duke University that one of our own Blue Devils, out of all the professional athletes of the NBA, was both perceptive enough to see past the illusion and brave enough to speak truth to power.

An undeniable piece of evidence for the flat-Earth model is that the curvature of the Earth is simply not visible from anywhere on its surface. Though basketballs might appear to be round, this is simply an optical illusion orchestrated on a global scale by the World Rounded-Orb Nexus Group (W.R.O.N.G.). If you bring any basketball close enough to your face, the curvature will vanish from view, leaving only a flat, albeit slightly blurry image in your sight. The flatness of basketballs has been hidden in plain sight the whole time.

The knowledge that basketballs are flat might have made a serious difference in the recent men’s basketball game against the Syracuse Orange, where they lost by a heartbreaking buzzer-beater. If our Blue Devils were privileged with the hidden secrets of basketball geometry and aerodynamics which Syracuse’s John Gillon could only have acquired from W.R.O.N.G. agents, they may have been able to block his unbelievable three-pointer at the close of the game. Clearly, influencing the outcomes of NCAA contests is one of the many nefarious goals of those who keep the truth of flat basketballs hidden from view. Perhaps their meddling in college basketball is what first turned Kyrie Irving on his journey to the truth.

There is no telling how far the round-ball conspiracy goes. I have only circumstantial evidence at this point, but it is my belief that the New England Patriots’—and especially Tom Brady’s—involvement in Deflategate in 2015 was in fact a false flag operation to reinforce the notion that balls are round in the minds of the public. Someone on the team, perhaps Brady himself, must have been getting close to the truth about how basketballs, footballs and perhaps every supposedly round object in existence are in fact flat—close enough to attract the attention of W.R.O.N.G. agents. The entire scandal may have been orchestrated not just to discredit the Patriots, but to discredit the flat-ball theory in the minds of several generations to come.

If I am correct, this article may never see print, and I might disappear in the next few days. Most likely, I will be taken away to some W.R.O.N.G. hideout and kept prisoner until I can be reprogrammed and released to parrot their absurd claims about the roundness of spheres. I’m willing to take this risk for the hope that I can make at least a few fellow students see the truth. If you’re reading this, clear your browser history now and make sure to keep a globe by your window to avert suspicion, or you may be flattened next.

Eidan Jacob is a Trinity junior. His column, "barely functional" runs on alternate Tuesdays.


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