With recent changes to the Medicare structure in North Carolina and the impending repeal of the Affordable Care Act, Duke head basketball coach, cadillac owner and Just For Men's number one customer Mike Krzyzewski has announced that the team will be auctioning the sweaty knee brace of six-foot-eleven power forward Harry Giles to help him pay off his medical bills. The Hall of Fame coach underwent back surgery to repair a herniated disk, despite multiple reports from The Ringer which said he was embarking on a quest with the Chairman of the Board of Trustees David M. Rubenstein to find a treasure map on the back of the Declaration of Independence.
Two basketball players—iMessaging on their computers in front of Monday Monday in class—report that despite his $9.6 million annual compensation, Coach K has a pre-existing condition of high-blood pressure as a result of that mediocre ‘86-’87 squad. He is ineligible for privately-provided healthcare from the university, forcing him to rely on Medicare and the marketplace under the Affordable Care Act. Due to recent rollbacks from the North Carolina legislature in regards to Medicare, and House Republicans’ vote to gut the Affordable Care Act on Friday, doctors informed Krzyzewski he would have to pay for the surgery out of pocket.
“This is absurd,” Coach K said pre-surgery, visibly wincing at the pain of his herniated disk and the sight of the stacks of medical bills which nurses dropped upon the lap of an unsuspecting sophomore basketball manager sitting in the waiting room. “I only make so much money a year—how can they expect me to pay that much for a simple ‘routine’ surgery and post-op?”
The sophomore basketball manager—who asked to remain anonymous, but we all know he’s one of the dudes who wipes the floor—said he could not divulge the exact amount of Krzyzewski’s medical bills, but assured Monday Monday the bills were “really big. Like, drives-a-BMW, went-to-Deerfield, doesn’t-summer-where-they-winter big.”
As soon as Duke Athletics caught wind of what The Chronicle has already dubbed, “BillGate” (not to be confused with aspiring entrepreneur Bill Gates and husband of Duke alumna Melinda French), they sprung into action. Athletics director Kevin White assembled a small group of players, coaches and staff to chart their best course of action in paying off Coach K's surgery.
“Most of the money we’ve cultivated through our athletic development efforts have been committed to science nerds at the Pratt School of Engineering who are building the cryogenic freezer we’re going to put Coach K in as soon as we win a seventh national championship,” said White. “We just don’t have the kind of money necessary right now to help pay for the procedure.”
The group, led by Tripping Specialist Grayson Allen, came to the conclusion that they were best off auctioning the sweaty knee brace of freshman phenom, Harry Giles. Giles, who spent most of his high school career and Duke career sidelined by debilitating ACL injuries and who has come to rely on his knee brace to prevent him from a third ACL tear, was reportedly given little say in the matter once the decision had been made by the higher-ups.
“You know, I’m going to miss that brace,” Giles said, while waiting in line for a smoothie at the K Center. “It really supported me in ways I just don’t think our offense can, no matter how explosive SportsCenter says we are.”
Giles surrendered his knee brace to interim head coach Jeff Capel just after a grueling lift and practice Friday afternoon. A small army of student managers quickly wrapped the brace in Gatorade branded sweat towels before delivering it the office of Kevin White.
According to White, who had placed the sale of the knee brace on a secret URL hosted from 2016 presidential campaign runner-up Hillary Clinton’s private email server, as of 2 p.m. Friday he already had nine “impressive” offers on the sweaty brace. He said that, for many, the freshness was part of its appeal.
“You know, I wasn’t expecting for Harry’s brace to get this much love, this fast,” White said. “We had Mickie [Krzyzewski] forward the link to his private list-serv of the NCAA illuminati he likes to golf with and make decisions over who they’ll rig the league in favor of. You know, typical 69-year-old guy stuff. A bunch of these guys are already clamoring to get their hands on it, like it has some sort of magical healing power.”
Upon returning from her charity work at the Emily K center, Mickie K reportedly followed the Duke Athletic director’s exact instructions, and emailed the USAbasketballemail@example.com list-serv to generate the greatest number of potential bidders from Krzyzewski’s inner-circle.
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White wouldn’t confirm any of those who had made bids on the knee brace so far. However, an anonymous tip dropped on Monday Monday’s Formspring believed bidders to have included the Plumlee brothers trio (splitting it three ways via Venmo), the starting defensive lineup of the Louisville football team, Manti Te’o’s girlfriend, John Calipari’s daughter, Buzz William’s argyle sweater vest collection, the entire board of directors of the Big 10 (though they noted it would bankrupt them) and a mysterious user firstname.lastname@example.org. When asked if the "unc.edu" email belonged to him, UNC coach Roy Williams did not respond for comment.
The auction will end Saturday before the Blue Devils take on Miami at home, when Dickie V reveals the highest-bidder by "wearing their head, baby." Kevin White and the entire Blue Devil athletic staff hope that they will raise enough money to cover Krzyzewski’s arduous medical bills, because as he said, “Nobody should have to go uninsured and pay their medical bills in full.”
Written while enjoying an indefinite (one class) hiatus from pursuing my Duke degree.