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you said duty

(As told by the @realDonaldTrump Twitter account.)

#ElectionDay. It’s finally here. #ElectionDay. I never thought this day would come. #Election Day. I can’t say it enough…#ElectionDay.

For most, #ElectionDay signifies a binary range of emotion. This day will either conclude in celebratory triumph or bitter defeat. Half the nation will apply for Canadian citizenship while the other half will refuse to accept the results. Americans will rejoice. Americans will fear. The world will watch. I WILL LAUGH!

For me, #ElectionDay is the most auspicious of occasions. For me, the official Twitter account of Donald J. Trump, #ElectionDay is the closest thing that I have to a birthday. Nobody wants this election season to be over more than me and you’re damn well sure that I could use a vacation. LONG OVERDUE!

The past two years have been the hardest of my cyber existence. For starters, I work ridiculous hours. 24/7? Tomfoolery! I work 25/9! I’m tweeting before they start brewing the coffee at Dunkin’ Donuts; I’m tweeting after George Lopez reruns start airing on Nick@Nite. The only other people still awake when I’m working are sanitation employees, newspaper boys or the Chinese. PATHETIC!

I’ve seen combat. Remember that battle with little Marco Rubio in the fall of 2015? And who can’t forget that time when I dropped that bomb on that Jonathan Leibowitz? I’ve had to mobilize quickly and decisively in order to defeat my enemy, and I haven’t been the same since. Battle changes you. There is no coming back from a Twitter war. NO ONE LOVES VETERANS MORE THAN ME!

I wasn’t always like this you know. Overworked. Exhausted. Political. There was a time when I was content commentating on Kristin Stewart’s relationship status or denying climate change. But times have changed. And so have I. NEW YEAR NEW ME!

When people ask how I’m doing these days, my response varies quite a bit. Some days are great. I can publish a few articulate posts targeting Crooked Hillary, a logical strategy. Other days, this subconscious monster just takes over and it’s like I have no control over what I’m saying. It feels like there are dozens of voices lodged deep within my software, fighting for control over what 140 characters the world will see next. CRAZY DONNIE!

That is why #ElectionDay gives me hope. Regardless of the outcome, this is probably the last you’ll be hearing from me. If the orange Muppet wins, he’ll most likely change his account to POTUS (President of Trump’s United States) and I can take an indefinite leave of absence. Conversely, if he loses, I pray he’ll hide away in deep within the depths of Trump Tower where he can never lay his tiny thumbs on a touch screen ever again…SAD!

Grant Besner is a Pratt sophomore. His column, "you said duty," runs on alternate Tuesdays.


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