Congratulations! As a conservative at Duke, you are Privileged™.* Unlike the majority of students, you will learn how to engage constructively (not to be confused with Enrage™) with an opposing argument. You will often be frustrated because your attempts to Advocate™ for Marginalized™ communities will be Silenced™ by those who do not respect minority ideas. However, you will learn that, while approaches like mandating Implicit Bias Training™ for all students (to recognize bias against conservatives) and creating identity affinity housing (a Safe Space™ where conservatives can be around like-minded students) seem tempting, they will only create a more divisive community in which Ignorance™ about conservative ideology perpetuates itself. In order to become accepted by liberals, you can neither DEMAND™ their understanding nor can you disengage them by publishing an Un-UnChronicled™. Your only hope is to be Liberal-Approved™.

At first, you will be labeled as a Bigot™ regardless, but luckily for you, I’ll teach you how to be Liberal-Approved™. If you plan to follow in the footsteps of the legendary Jonathan Zhao, you can stop reading now, but if social acceptability is important to you, listen up. Here's the first rule:

1. You cannot publicly voice conservative ideas. If you do, a mob will personally DEMAND™ that you be removed from campus positions. If you are a white male, you will be informed that you, “need ‘reeducation’” because people of your race and gender identity were likely, “horrible people before they arrived on campus” because they are, “the most racist, uncaring and cruel portion of the population.”

You might feel Marginalized™ by not being able to express your opinions freely. Normally, I would tell you to STINF class because you are incapacitated, as that is a Liberal-Approved™ solution (see 6B from the “Demands of Black Voices”). I wouldn’t counsel you to consider constructive alternatives because that would undermine your Narrative™. But there's a catch:

2. Liberal-Approved™ solutions only apply to Liberal-Approved™ groups. As a conservative, you are automatically not Liberal-Approved™, even if you have other Liberal-Approved™ characteristics (like how Marco Rubio and Ted Cruz are not Latino enough). 

Now, assuming that you go to class despite being Victimized™, I must warn you that the quest to be Liberal-Approved™ does not end once inside the classroom, specifically for classes taught by liberal professors. Uncoincidentally, these are the vast majority of classes at Duke, because as Philosophy Professor Robert Brandon pointed out, “We try to hire the best, smartest people available. If... stupid people are generally conservative, then there are lots of conservatives we will never hire.” He later walked back this statement, telling students who want more conservative professors to, “Study hard, do well in school, go on to get a Ph.D. and get yourself a job teaching at a university.” Although I agree this is a fair solution for the Underrepresentation™ of conservatives in academia, one might wonder whether he would say the same to students today who DEMAND™ racial quotas for faculty. In any event, your plans to lift up the forgotten in our society through conservative policies are not Liberal-Approved™, and thus must not be mentioned in the classroom. Only once I graduated could I publish the secret that allowed me to maintain a 3.94 GPA at Duke (out of fear I would’ve been Discriminated Against™ had I Come Out™ earlier):

3. Pretend that you are a liberal for your grades. Don't attempt to contribute to meaningful discussion, voice your actual opinions or encourage a Culture™ of intellectual openness. If you do, that is a great way to get a C+ (I've seen it happen). Liberals may deny that this Discrimination™ exists, but that’s only because their liberal Privilege™ allows them to erase from their Narrative™ the Struggles™ of any group that is not Liberal-Approved™.

Now, outside the classroom, you may have slightly more Autonomy™ to express your genuine beliefs. However, on our Oppressive™ campus, there are still rules you must follow if you wish to be Politically Correct™:

4. You are only allowed to have an opinion on an issue if you have the corresponding Liberal-Approved™ characteristic related to that issue or if you support the Liberal-Approved™ opinion. (For example: A minimum-wage earner is allowed to have an opinion on the issue. Anyone else is not unless he/she/ze/they supports raising the minimum wage to $25/hour). Now, there’s another catch: even though liberals say you are allowed an opinion on the topic if you fit their qualifications, in practice you actually still aren’t allowed to have an opinion unless your opinion is Liberal-Approved™. (For example: A racial minority student who speaks out against protesters’ militant tactics risks being called a “traitor to his race.” Latinx™ students who disagree with the Mi Gente's DEMANDS™ may be accused of perpetuating a “puppet narrative,” as if they have no autonomy to think for themselves).

If you really want to undermine the liberal ideologarchy (ideology hierarchy, not to be confused with Patriarchy™), break it down step-by-step. Help others understand that true conservative ideals are not based on Islamophobia™, Homophobia™, Racism™ or other forms of Bigotry™, but rather are just as concerned as liberal ideals with ending injustice and helping others. This understanding takes time, which leads me to the final rule:

5. Find things you can agree with liberals on and then challenge Microaggressions™ that present themselves. A diligent approach over time will get liberals to become Tolerant™ of your conservative identity. (For example, when liberals mock a conservative female's appearance, tell them this sort of Sexism™ is not Tolerated™ and mention the Progressive™ notion that women have the Agency™ to determine their own political opinions, which is why they won suffrage in the first place).

This is the single most important rule. Unlike attempts to stifle Discrimination™ against conservatives with DEMANDs™, calling for the resignation of liberal campus leaders or limiting the free speech of liberal students, following this rule can create lasting Change™ and a better future for all Duke students.***

*Words and phrases with the ™ symbol are trademarks of the Democratic Party and may not be used for any other purpose than furthering the liberal agenda.

**If you think this violates your First Amendment rights, joke’s on you, because the First Amendment is not Liberal-Approved™.

***Actual disclaimer: While I recognize that problems of racism, sexual assault and other terrible injustices on campus are on the surface more urgent than the problem of ideological discrimination, I honestly believe that no meaningful progress on those issues will come if “social justice”—everyone’s goal—continues to be seen as synonymous with “liberal.” I beg you to acknowledge our shared goals, so that we can create a more Inclusive™ campus Dialogue™ to create lasting Change™ for all students. Also it would help if you stopped monopolizing half the words in the English language.

Victoria Treboschi, Trinity '15, is a Research Technician at the Duke Eye Center in the Department of Ophthalmology.