The other day, I set out on a mission—a humanitarian effort, if you will—to benefit mankind. My goal: Make everyone in the world get Snapchat.
For those of you who have no idea what modern technology is (a.k.a., those of you without iPhones), Snapchat is an app where you can send pictures for a set number of seconds before they are erased from the receiving phone forever. I know what you’re thinking. Never before has there been a piece of technology so clearly meant for sending d*** pics. Well, señoritas, think again. Nowadays, Snapchat is basically the new texting. Which means texting is the new emailing. And emailing is the new messenger pigeon, except minus the camaraderie and plus erectile dysfunction ads.
My first target on my global Snapchat inoculation mission was my friend Lorenzo. This person’s name has been changed to protect his identity, because his real name is Dan and that’s just not interesting. Lorenzo has already graduated from Duke, and is what some call a “real person.” He was back to visit this weekend, and I managed to force him to chill with me (read: nacho-eating contest). After decimating some nachos, I started my campaign for him to get Snapchat. When he asked what it was, I heard these words come out of my mouth: “It’s this awesome app where you send funny pictures to people and they send pictures to you and you can’t unsubscribe. It’s … great?”
This conversation began and ended my plot for world Snapchat domination. I had idealized Snapchat in my mind like new couples idealize their significant others (Snapchat’s just like, SO different from any other social media I’ve been with before. I know he’s got a dirty past but … he’s different with me!). But, just like a new couple, Snapchat and I began noticing each other’s glaring imperfections a few months in. I had no respect for his privacy, and he would vent to all my friends with notifications of “Screenshotted!” And, like all the other social media I’d been with before, Snapchat had too many rules. Here is a short list of some of the rules a Snapchat user must abide by, or you and Snapchat are OVER.
Rule One: No screenshotting.
I’ve always been a rule breaker. Takin’ risks, livin’ on the edge. My current favorite act of rebellion is breaking the cardinal Snapchat rule: No taking pictures of Snapchats. There is almost an implied privacy contract when you hit send, telling the recipient that they can see this picture, but they can’t HAVE it. As most of the pictures sent via Snapchat involve the sender looking like they just inhaled cinnamon off of a possum’s a**, it’s understandable they wouldn’t want said pictures shared with the general public. My love of embarrassing people coupled with my tendency to hoard things (photos included) do not mesh well with this social norm.
Rule Two: No asking to be screenshotted.
Photo senders give up any right to NOT have their picture saved forever on my phone if they send a Snapchat for longer than five seconds. If you send a Snapchat for that long, you obviously either want the whole world to see it, or you think I’m an idiot and it takes me that long to think about pictures. No matter why, I’m posting it on Facebook.
Rule Three: Look your worst.
Although Snapchatting is used in part for actual communication, it is more so intended for exploring just how bad you can make your face look. You need to flex facial muscles you didn’t even know existed. Incorporate props if necessary. If you look halfway decent in your Snapchats, you’re not trying hard enough. Or you’re trying too hard. Either way, f*** you.
Rule Four: Group chats, a love/hate relationship.
Group Snapchats are a great way to say “HELLO STARSHINE!” to anyone you don’t see often. However, if you send upwards of seven pictures of yourself to near strangers every day, you need to do like Hermione and sort out your pri-or-ities. Remember, kids, your virtual personality must be equally or less obnoxious than your actual personality, or else you’re that silent weirdo who only communicates via texting.
Rule Five: User discretion is advised.
Adolescents are already prone to the delusion that they are surrounded by an imaginary audience that constantly evaluates their behavior (citation: my developmental psychology class). Although it’s great that social media provides an ever-expanding avenue for social support, it can also breed a particular brand of narcissism where people do things solely to advertise them on social media.
Sorry, lovebirds: Snapchat is not any different than the other social media out there. Although perhaps funnier and more spontaneous, it has all the rules, and perhaps more of the narcissism, that Facebook, Twitter and Instagram have. The social comparison and competition we’ve been living with since middle school permeates our adult life virtually, and it can crowd out the actual enjoyment of our life experiences for the sake of looking like we’re having fun. So as you send your Urkel face to your friends, make sure you don’t miss out on the bigger picture around you.
Lillie Reed is a Trinity junior. This is her final installation for the semester of the weekly Socialites column.
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