Pet peeves

Due to the overwhelming popularity of my most recent journalistic endeavor (my mom really liked it), I was asked for an encore.

OK, maybe not really, but I think that if people applauded for columns like they applaud at concerts, they would have been clapping for at least two whole minutes. I figure if I am in such high demand, people obviously want to hear anything I have to say. Thus I have chosen to air a few of my grievances. This is going to be a real crowd pleaser.

Grievance No. 1: sidewalk etiquette. We Duke students are pretty darn smart, but maybe I mistakenly assumed we all knew how to operate a sidewalk. Sidewalks exist for a reason. Generally they provide a relatively clean and safe path for foot travel. I find them both convenient and effective.

On this campus though, it seems they work a little differently. What ruins this genius architectural element is the Loiterers, the Meanderers and the Blockers. These clueless beings undoubtedly choose to walk at the pace of a roly-poly and span the entire pathway while doing so. Compounding my frustration is the drainage (or lack thereof) on Duke’s campus. I personally own adorable wellies, but what about the people who are not as stylistically inclined or weather-aware and unfortunately are sporting canvas flats? To all you sidewalk hogs out there, you aren’t the only people who don’t want to be knee deep in mud.

I totally understand the desire to find dry ground among the flood, but a super-cool posse with its giant umbrellas are pretty difficult to navigate around. I know nobody wants to be the one awkward person who has to walk behind the other two in order to clear the sidewalk. I feel your pain; I’m always the one who gets insidiously pushed out of line. Staggering the line and projecting your voice are simple solutions to this unfortunate circumstance. In addition to the moving blockade, there is the static blockade—the cluster of talkers. To become a member of this elite group, one must insist on holding a conversation in the middle of a busy intersection and never appear to notice the ridiculous inconvenience it is creating. Please people, get out of the way. I like to be early for class. Don’t judge me.

Grievance No. 2: Andrew Tyler Hansbrough. While any Blue Devil could write an entire book on this subject, I only plan on discussing his most recent offense. He has destroyed television for me. I occasionally like to relax after a long day of classes by watching a bit of TV. The last thing I want is to sit through commercials, of course, but I’ve learned to tolerate the bizarre “natural enhancement” ads and Subway’s $5 foot-long tune.

What I refuse to put up with is the combination of exasperating automobile pitches and Tyler Hansbrough. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, consider yourself lucky. To catch you up though, our dear friend Mr. Hansbrough has recently been contracted to make a cameo in a Performance Automall commercial which I’m almost certain is scheduled to run every three minutes in the Triangle area. I resent the fact that I now have to endure a middle-aged smooth talker AND an acting-challenged, yuppy-eyed Tar Heel. I definitely don’t deserve that. In fact, no one deserves that. It is painful to watch in so many ways.

Grievance No. 3: the fake drunk. I’m talking about that person at the party who pretends to be drunk when he/she clearly is not even close to being intoxicated. This acting is almost as intolerable as Hansbrough’s repetition of the word “wow” in reference to a BMW. Their unwillingness to own their true BAC is pathetic. I totally respect the choice to not drink (at all or just on occasion), but people, people, a concerted effort to act like an idiot is so not cool. You most likely have abstained from alcohol for the very purpose of not ending up tagged on Facebook with your head in a trash can. Plus, if you feel that great of a need to conform, everyone around you is probably too drunk to notice you’re stone-cold sober.