I’d like to start off this column with a question, and I want you to be completely honest with your answer: If I bought you a pony, would you ride it around with me on East Campus on a cool, crisp fall day while wearing argyle sweaters and eating Dunkaroos?
So, what will it be? It’s a simple yes or no question folks; it’s not rocket science (sorry to disappoint my Pratt readers).
Seriously though, I’m waiting. Even though there’s actually no way that you can respond to me directly right now, I’m going to assume that your lack of response means you’re blowing me off. Jerk. You know who didn’t blow me off?
Nolan Smith.
Yes, that Nolan Smith. The Duke basketball player/pony ride aficionado/ person whose name can be rearranged to spell “Salmon Hint” actually answered that very question. Allow me to explain.
If reading my columns this semester hasn’t tipped you off yet, I’ll be the first to admit I’m a pretty odd guy. I clearly don’t write about things like my ant farm to score points with the ladies, I do it because I have something of a weird sense of humor. Basically, if you take that annoying friend who always makes “Arrested Development” references and combine it with your 12-year-old fart joke-cracking brother, you have me in a nutshell.
Though I never purposely hide my oddities, I also happen to be a quiet guy. You know, the type of person you sometimes forget is sitting at your table, only to be shocked when he pipes up and says something. The problem is, when you combine this with my weirdness, it leads to many quizzical looks when, after sitting quietly for 15 minutes, I suddenly make a pterodactyl joke while everyone is discussing politics. Thus, I tend to keep my mouth shut.
But all that changes on the Internet. Thanks to the magic of throwaway e-mail addresses and fake user names, one can be almost completely anonymous on the web.
So when Nolan Smith announced on his Twitter account that he was going to be doing a live video question-and-answer session where the public could submit questions in a chat room, my eyes lit up. From the perspective of “Jacob Wolff, Duke Basketball fan,” it was exciting. From the perspective of “Jacob Wolff, strange kid given a chance to anonymously ask a campus celebrity questions,” it was VERY exciting.
To use a basketball metaphor, I took the ball and ran with it (and was called for traveling violations many times over—screw dribbling). At first Nolan ignored my questions, sticking to mostly basketball related topics, such as, “who do you think is going to start this year?” But I wasn’t voted “most likely to marry a trophy wife by pestering her non-stop for five years” in high school for nothing—I’m a persistent chap! Eventually, he had no choice but to humor me.
From “who would win in a fight: 18 grizzly bears or a robot from Transformers” to “did it hurt… when you fell from heaven,” Nolan probably answered about 10 of my questions. All in all, he’s got a great sense of humor. As per the pony-riding question, he just laughed and never did give me a straight answer.
Along with being a generally quiet person, I also tend to come up with some amazing ideas, but don’t quite get up the nerve to follow through with them.
It’s a formula that plays out time and time again: sweet plan plus lame excuse equals inaction. Ideas like singing “Hit me baby one more time” at karaoke night and hopping in the car and for a spontaneous road trip to New York will undoubtedly illicit some sort of excuse.
So when I typed the following: “Someday I’m going to get up the nerve to come up to you in the BC and tell you I was the kid asking you all the weird questions,” I knew I’d probably never do it. I’d see Nolan on campus and chicken out, failing yet again to step out of my comfort zone.
But you know what, I’m sick of being the “Wouldn’t it be great/hilarious/awesome guy” who lacks follow-through. I’m sick of never taking chances, I’m sick of being scared of humiliation and most of all, I’m sick of “Lost”… that show’s gone on way too long.
So, Salmon hint (aka Nolan), here I am: Jacob Wolff, the weird kid who asked the weird questions. I know this isn’t me coming up to you in the Bryan Center, but it’s a big step for a shy person like me, so publicly confessing via column will have to do. If you see me around campus, be sure to say hello. I’ll be the kid riding the pony on the quad while wearing an argyle sweater and eating Dunkaroos, if you catch my salmon hint.
Jacob Wolff is a Trinity senior. His column runs every other Thursday.
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