The Man doesn't want you to read this. The Man* doesn't want Chronicle writers to endorse candidates for Duke Student Government positions. Ha! Fie on The Man and his restrictions! Fie on the repression! Fie on people who point out that I don't know what the word "fie" means! Fie! Fie dollar! Fie-dollar footlong!
Here we go...
Recently, the presidency of DSG has oscillated between insiders (Jordan Giordano) and outsiders (Elliott Wolf and Paul Slattery). In the current crisis, though, we need someone who combines the best characteristics of recent presidents: someone who combines involvement in the arts or quasi-legal downloading thereof (Wolf), wild hair (Slattery), and a southern European heritage (Giordano). If there was ever a moment when DSG needed a Greek pianist with a mullet, that time is now.
Executive Vice President: Rick Santelli
In this recession, Duke needs all the fundraising advantages it can find. Who better than the man who, on national television, demonstrated that he has so much influence among the financial elite that he can persuade them to join an impromptu "tea party" movement? Jon Stewart might get mad at us, but that's a risk we'll have to take.
VP of Academic Affairs: Gov. Sarah Palin
As someone who attended four different colleges to get her degree, Palin has experience with a wide variety of ways to run a college. Implementing her unique reinterpretation of the English language will make student papers and (especially) oral presentations vastly more interesting—and she can always bolster our sagging enrollment numbers by having more kids. Palin's talents can benefit the university in many ways; for one thing, her ability to cause hysteria among liberals makes her perfect for the lacrosse team.
VP of Athletics and Campus Services: Confucius
If Confucius cooperates on Coach K's next book, the sheer number of pithy, mildly inspirational sayings could make Duke a global center for philosophy.
VP of Durham and Regional Affairs: Jay Bilas
Jay Bilas graduated from, and even played basketball for, Duke, but you'd never know it from his March Madness picks on ESPN. Not only did he not pick Duke to make the Elite Eight, he picked UNC to win it all, making him an obvious choice to reach out to Durham's large contingent of Tar Hole fans. The only question is who we should choose for Vice President of Shredding Jay Bilas's Diploma.
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VP of the Intercommunity Council: Dr. Manhattan
The election of Dr. Manhattan to DSG would rectify a glaring omission in Duke's diversity efforts: the near invisibility of blue people on campus. Since none of the members of Blue Man Group are interested in the position, it is up to us to signal that Duke is a welcoming place for the blue community.
VP of Student Affairs: Eva Longoria
What, this position doesn't involve actually having an affair with students? Oops, never mind.
*By "The Man", I mean my editor, who is both female and a good bit smaller than me.