The independent news organization of Duke University

Two thousand and fine


Oh, hey guys. What's up? Sorry about that, I guess I'm still celebrating New Year's. I need to in order to forget all that old acquaintance...

New year, new column. I tell ya, it's good to be back in these pages again.

Unfortunately, yours truly had to resign his post as the Chairman of the Bored amid plenty of scandal and innuendo, but rest assured I got a pretty sick severance package. In fact, as part of that package, I got to keep writing... at least until they fire me. Alas, I had to give up the anonymity with which I wrote for all of last semester. I now realize that, because of the veil of secrecy that surrounded my recent columns, some of you may feel like you really don't know anything about me.

Well, you don't. And let's keep it that way, shall we? No offense, I just don't feel comfortable revealing sensitive information about myself in such a public forum. At least... not yet. Baby steps.

But I digress... In the immortal words of my ninth grade French teacher, "Welcome back, my little dumplings." Speaking of French, I'd like to wish all of you returning abroad students a hearty "Bonjour" from all of us here at Duke in Durham. Or, for you Italian speakers, "Feliz cumpleaños." We're all one big happy family again... sharing one big happy Blue Zone. Great.

But the return of you little expat rugrats is just the first of many things for which I am excited in the new year. You see, a lot of things happen when you trade in your taquitos for textbooks and get back to some honest-to-goodness schooling. What, you might ask? Well, without further adieu, I will now unveil the first-ever "Brett Aresco's Stone-Cold Locks to Happen in 2009 Barring an Economic Upswing or 'Day The World Stood Still'-esque Alien Invasion or Al Franken Being Named The Official Winner in The Minnesota Senate Race After All Legal Proceedings Have Concluded" list (so the column was running a little short today... it's still a sweet name, right?):

1. Duke announces that it has fired Bernard Madoff as Chief Financial Officer, and the endowment recovers.

2. Longing to play for Coach K again, Kobe Bryant discovers an obscure loophole in NCAA regulations and leads Duke to a national championship.

3. Because of record crowds for Kobe's first (and only) Final Four appearance in Detroit, the city becomes the most prosperous in America and the Big Three automakers sell more cars than ever before. God Bless America.

4. Trumping their prior invention, Duke scientists take the invisibility cloak one step further and create a device that permanently erases objects from sight and memory. First target? 610 Buchanan.

5. Upon her visit to Duke for graduation, Oprah discovers the latest national trend and markets it to the masses-The Dean Sue Workout Plan.

6. The world stock markets plummet to their lowest values ever. There are riots in Greece.

7. "Heroes" is canceled. There are riots in Greece.

8. Duke's lemurs evolve. Uh-oh.

Oh yes, my fellow Dukericans, 2009 should be a very interesting year, both for Duke and for the world at large. Now, keep in mind that the above are just the things that are guaranteed to happen in 2009, and that many more crazy occurrences may, um, occur before the year is up.

I know what you're thinking, kid in the green shirt. "Isn't it dangerous for us to know the future before it happens?" Of course not, stupid. For one, it's great to know that these things will happen so you can begin to think about action that you might want to take to better the world in the next year. I mean, you can't stop the demise of "Heroes," but you can start writing your own genetic-mutants-who-do-extraordinary-things-as-cheerleaders-and-other-laypeople NBC pilot, right? No? Well, then, look at it this way. Now that you know these developments beforehand, you can get in on the ground floor and become wildly successful.

Take it from me; I just bought 500 shares of GM stock.

Brett Aresco is a Trinity senior. His column runs every other Thursday.


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