Daily Intel predicted Baz Luhrman’s mediocre Australia would be the perfect vehicle for three-time Tony Awards host Hugh Jackman to prove his heterosexuality once and for all. So how does the sexiest man alive come across? Here’s the breakdown.
Let's just start with the clothes. Hugh Jackman wears tight pants. Plus 1. And a neck scarf. Plus 3. When he shows up at a ball midway through the film to sweep Nicole Kidman off her feet, his tux is anything but traditional. As Harvey Milk said, “Never blend in.” Plus 2. And, as evinced by the film's most celebrated scene in which Jackman removes his shirt, his abs certainly do not blend in. Plus 1.
Moreover, Jackman initially comes across as a virile man's man. So why is it that Jackman doesn't even make a move on Kidman until a good hour into the movie. Do I sense some XY-attraction going on there? Plus, in this scene, both characters are drunk. Is he just being one of those gays? Plus 2. During all his cattle driving and general rough and tumble living maintains great hair. It looks styled, like he just walked out from an appointment with Paul Mitchell. Plus 2. Finally, although he never busts out in song (Add 1 to the straight tally), “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” plays a prominent role in the film. Judy Garland? Add 5 to the Brokeback tally.
First, some general points of heterosexuality. He can crack a whip. And not just on cattle. Plus 1. And when he drinks, it's only straight liquor. That explains the hair on his chest. Plus 1. In our first, exposure to the character, we seem him taking on an angry mob in a bar fight. It's a true western bar fight with broken stools, bottles and blood. No bitch slaps or cosmos here. Plus 2.
Skip ahead to the film's epic finale in which the Japanese army attacks Australia and we see Hugh Jackman carrying a gun, suggesting he's a soldier. Sure it's not the United States, but no one would have given a man in a neck scarf a gun in 1939. Plus 1.
About two hours into the movie, after finally romancing Kidman's character, they end up in bed together. A lot. Let's assume they do more than sleep. Because nothing says masculinity like fertility, add 3 to the hetero tally. He and Nicole then settle into a domestic lifestyle. Plus 1. And raise an adopted aborigine child. Even though it's not Arkansas, what rugged Outback-dwelling homosexual would want a kid? Plus 2.
Final tally? Gay, 16. Straight, 12. See you on Broadway, Hugh.
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