As you all know, Provost Peter Lange is in the process of conducting meetings with students in order to gather input on the future of the Campus Culture Initiative. The Chronicle has just obtained a copy of the Provost's notes from one such meeting, and we feel that it is our responsibility to the University community to print excerpts from our findings.
The following are snippets from student comments interspersed with unspoken personal reflections that the Provost recorded.
Student: "I feel like getting a Starbucks in the BC would feel good to the student body, but I also feel like that body has felt happy with the feel of the BC the way it feels right now. I don't know, this feeling just rubs me the wrong way. I feel like it just doesn't feel right."
Provost: "Right, I'm doing a great job of getting a feel for student opinion."
Student: "Provost Lange, can't former DSG President Elliott Wolf run these meetings? He's just sooo good looking. And isn't he a spitting image of Babe Ruth? You know his thighs look so good in those biker shorts!"
Provost: "But there's no way he's as sexy as DSG President Paul Slattery. And aren't I sexy as well? Aren't I?"
Student: "Yeah, Paul is sexy, too. Just like Elliot. And speaking of people who conspire together, Dean of Undergraduate Education Steve Nowicki, those glasses are so sassy."
Student: "I think that the main problem with campus culture is that the rights of real Fruitarians here are totally ignored. You do a good job of catering to my lacto-ovo-dacto-vegetarian friends. The other day I bit into a delicious Great Hall sandwich and distinctly tasted flesh. How can omnivorous administrators represent my views on this subject?"
Provost: "Flesh? I need to tell Director of Dining Services Jim Wulforst about this. But he's so much taller than I am. But I'm much more nimble. I'm in a video on duke.edu riding a bike. I can Soulja boy up in . . . ."
Student: "I'm just really upset about the Few Quad renovations next year. I'm in a Few-based selective living group. If we have to move out of section next year, our rush will be severely compromised. We won't get sweet kids. We won't have sick parties. We'll lose our table in Alpine. It won't be, like, you know, as chill as it used to be."
Provost: "Pretty sweet point about the kids. And why is everybody coughing in here? Oh, right, we're in Few."
Student: "I totally agree. I'm a cultural studies major, and I believe that, our education, such as at Duke should aid Duke diversely and dialogue for instance that discrimination in our future equally."
Student: "I believe that the work hard-play hard lifestyle is unsustainable. My friends and I read about 600 pages, manage seven student organizations, chug 14 beers and watch four TV shows every day. I think everyone here does that."
Student: "I also think everyone wants you to engage the diversity of more discussion that engages open spaces. But Duke doesn't make friends for you."
Provost: "I totally disagree. I would never say any of those words. 45 times. Every day. I need a drink. Which reminds me, I could really go for some of Rick's deliciousness. Oh, wait. At least I'll have a beer, then. Oh, wait. [Expletive] who takes away all these great food venues? Oh, wait."
In case you couldn't tell, this edit is a joke. Have a great Fall Break!
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