Surviving summer unemployment

It seems like the "in" thing to do this summer is to go out into the world and find a job. Whether it be an internship somewhere across the country, or a job busing tables somewhere close to home, everyone I know already seems to be employed and happily working away.

Being the rebel that I am, however, I have decided to stay away from the workforce this summer; partly by choice, partly because my resume consists of little more than a 1.25 GPA, work experience consisting solely of rolling tortillas in back of the Dusty Armadillo for nine and a half hours a day and a recommendation from my seventh grade art teacher (I was a magician with oil pastels).

And although to the untrained eye it may seem like a lot of fun, games and "The People's Court," sitting on your ass all summer long can be actually be somewhat of a chore. And so even though we're only a few weeks into summer as I speak, I'd like to offer some advice that I've found useful to others that may be in my shoes for the next few months.

The first obstacle that you're going to have to get around is answering an assortment of variations on the question that I hear all the time: "Hey, Nick, what are you doing this summer?"

Although this question may seem simple enough, there is definitely a right and a wrong answer; and the answer you have is the wrong answer. The best way to approach this is to tell a bald-faced lie. Because while not working for a summer may not seem like a big deal to you, to others (especially adults/relatives) letting them know that you don't have (and don't plan on looking for) a job will only lead to disappointment, pity and scorn. Thus, your best bet is to stay as far away from the truth as possible. And since you'll be telling a lie anyway, shoot for the stars. Tell them that you're working with large-cap asset management at some big-shot firm that doesn't exist. Make up a story about being appointed to a small research team funded by the NIH to put the finishing touches on a new vaccine for hereditary baldness. And don't feel tied down to sticking with one job for the entire summer. Try out a few different stories until you find one that really strikes a chord with people.

But no matter how much you lie, inevitably someone somewhere is bound to get wind of the truth that you're not working, and when that happens, it spreads like wildfire. Job offers will start rolling in left and right. You'd be amazed at how easy it is to find a job when you're not looking for one. The Whole Foods down the street will start hiring cashiers. Aunt Peggy will find the need for someone to mow her lawn three to four times a week. Someone might even anonymously take out a classified ad in the paper for you.

But no matter how much the pressure grows for you to become a productive, upstanding and tax-paying member of society, stay strong to your values. Don't give in to something as menial as a pay check every other week (plus tips, in some circumstances).

Because who has time to work when you're living off the fat of the land? Instead of worrying yourself with getting to work by 8 a.m. every morning, you're letting yourself wake naturally with the birds (barring that the birds don't wake up before 1:30 p.m.). Instead of learning new life skills like how to copy huge reams of paper efficiently or how to keep the office coffee pot continuously filled, you're learning life survival skills like how to live off of the Wendy's dollar menu and why it's a bad idea to go seven weeks in between laundry cycles. Instead of deciding between check and direct deposit, you're surfing the Internet for get-rich-quick schemes just in case your parents follow through on the threat to kick you out of the house if you don't have a job by Thursday.