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Stop the red marker

I am extremely disillusioned with the president of the country of the United States of America. Am I allowed to say that? Am I allowed to be extremely disillusioned with him? I mean, I don't want to go out on a limb here and risk being ostracized by the better part of the liberal population.

The reason is that Bush went and did it again. North Korea conducts a nuclear test and we have high expectations for our de facto spokesperson to react courageously, righteously, accordingly. High expectations.

Instead, he proposes diplomacy. Diplomacy. Diplomacy? What does that even mean? I've said the word "diplomacy" aloud repeatedly for an hour and have determined that it has no meaning whatsoever. I believe it may be French or something similarly uncourageous.

In the past, however, Bush, time and again, has drawn a line for North Korea-a real color-inside-the-lines challenge for Dear Leader Kim-and posted a sign warning "Cross for Retaliation."

Now we know Kim cannot color inside the lines. His red marker repeatedly strays abroad. Now he has hurdled over the line on his nuclear horse, and instead of responding in kind, President Bush is being too kind.

In my book-the dictionary-a nuclear test is effectively an insult to one's mother. Mother Earth.

Where you at, Mr. President?

The line has been crossed more times than Bush says "diplomacy" while practicing his speech in front of the mirror. How can one ignore the actions of aggression taken within our own soil? Kim's hand extends so far that his wiry fingers are actually pretty gross to look at:

Index: Heard about a certain shooting in Amish country? Blame Kim Jong Il. The act was perpetrated by none other than Kim underling Charles Carl Roberts, whose name is easily an Anglicization from Korean. He claimed to be guilty of molestation, a doubtful self-accusation, especially because molestation is just code word for communist anyway. Isn't that the bigger crime?

Ring: How about the flying death of Yankees pitcher Cory Lidle? Again, Kim Jong Il. He has everyone looking to Team bin Laden for another attack, but those guys don't even have the magical powers of airplane control inherent to a demigod of Kim's stature. Yankees owner Steinbrenner has a vendetta against the communist Mets fan who uses murder like extra-strength steroids.

Pinkie: Hello, how does an Apex chemical plant just burst into flames? Kim Jong Il, that's how. He's right in our backyard, and Bush could care less about my petunias. That chemical release is toxic propaganda seeping into your skin (and my petunias), the result of Kim's powers of remote spontaneous combustion.

Kim reserves his middle finger for flicking Bush off when he's not looking, as in the better part of the last five years.

So how can anyone, including the one actually making decisions, say Kim hasn't already gone too far? Kim crossed the "T" of his own sentence, "Time to die." An astute observer would notice that removing his middle name and shortening his family name reveals 'K. Il', and this cannot possibly be a coincidence.

Diplomacy?

A sample letter:

Dear Leader Bush,

Please don't confuse yourself with lines and crosses and diplomatic metaphors, but instead, petition Congress to use billions of dollars to attack North Korea. Don't fear the gaping shortage of troops, but instead, make a Teenybopper Corps of viciously elite and viciously identical 13-yr old uber-soldiers. If they want to listen to Lindsey Lohan music free from the nuclear threat, they should have to sacrifice an arm or a leg for their future, no?

Signed,

A conscientious objector to peace.

P.S. I hate to be a warmonger, but sometimes war has to be monged.

Ashwin Bhirud is a Trinity senior. His column runs every other Friday.

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