A few weeks ago I had an interesting conversation with my roommate after I returned from a 10:05 class.
Me: I'm back.
Roommate (just waking up): Ugggggh, I don't want to get up.
Me: Yeah it's pretty tough to get up for a 12:40.
Roommate (with sarcasm): It's not fair. Why do we have to get out of our beds in order to go to class?
Me (jokingly): Well, you wouldn't have to if I had my way.
Jackpot. Lights and buzzers went off in my head. I spent all day wondering what I would change if I were running my own university.
Unfortunately, my afternoon full of daydreaming went unrewarded, as usual. I retired for the evening, still unable to picture what my ideal university would look like.
I was saved, however.
For lo and behold, the Lord didst appear unto me in a dream.
Naturally, I prostrated myself before Him, as I was surely unworthy to gaze upon His radiance. The Lord promptly told me to stop being so silly. Apparently, He is embarrassed when people prostrate themselves in front of Him, possibly because "prostrate" sounds much like "prostate" and such subjects dost make the Lord uncomfortable.
And so the Lord didst proceed to answer my prayers, and charged me to establish a university that would be pleasing in His eyes.
Thus spake the Lord.
"First, thou shalt not inhabit the space known as the 'double dormitory room,' which I have determined to be sinful in nature. No two people can dwell in such a small space without driving each other insane and inviting the forces of malice and evil."
"Very well," I responded humbly to the Lord. "For I have seen the hatred that these cramped spaces have fostered in the modern-day Sodom known as Edens."
"Second," continued the Lord. "Thou shalt not be forced to study a foreign language. From now on, all classes will be conducted in My language, English. For little is the amount that a man learns in three semesters of foreign-language study, and wicked is the class that forces you to show up five times a week.
"Third, thou shalt not utter the phrase 'I'm not gonna lie' in My presence. For few are the times that I actually didst think thou were lying.
"Fourth, thou shalt not, when dining in an establishment that boasts booths, sit by yourself at these tables. For many are the times that I have seen groups of people in the Loop and McDonald's that have been forced to wait for a single person to vacate his/her booth. Just because thou hast reading to do, that doth not give you the right to take up an entire booth with all of your books. From now on, these selfish persons, whom I have found to be displeasing in My sight, shall surely be smoted."
"It shall be done," I did speak unto the Lord, all the while wondering how He became so obsessive-compulsive. "And what types of person shall we allow into Your university?"
"Thou shalt not admit a person who can't take a friggin' joke," said the Lord. "He who rides on the high horse should be wary of My wrath, for he too will also be smoted.
"There will be no room for those at My university who complain that they received an A-minus instead of an A due to My professors' liberal biases. There will be no bickering between ethnic groups-for My students will realize that they are all part of my Chosen People-the soon to be very-very-wealthy."
"O my Lord," I cried. "How will I get the students to follow me to this new university? For there have been many a time this semester when they have called upon you for mercy. I am afraid they feel forsaken."
"They will believe," the Lord responded. "I will deliver unto them a National Championship, a sign that I will never again flood their world with papers, exams and projects. I will usher in a new world, where the Busch Light will flow like water, and the students will gather and make sacrifices to My name. I will protect you from the ALE and provide a bountiful plenty of parking spaces.
"Now if you'll excuse me," concluded the Lord, "I have to shoot another Chevy commercial."
Greg Czaja is a Trinity junior. His column runs every other Wednesday.
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