Bending the gender rules

We tend to think of everyone as being exactly what we expect, given the heterosexual majority,-that is, identifying as either male or female and attracted to the opposite gender. In the past two weeks, I have had the opportunity to learn more about those who bend the rules of the majority.

Last Tuesday, I completed my SAFE training, a program offered by the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender (LGBT) Center. This program teaches Duke students, staff, and faculty how to understand and be supportive of those who are coming out about their sexuality. During two separate two-hour training sessions, participants go over vignettes and determine where fictional characters are in the process of coming to terms with their own sexuality or their role as allies, people who are supportive of the LGBT community.

The most emotional part of the training came in the second session when panelists spoke about their own coming out processes. One panelist came out to his parents just two weeks before in what could only be described as a horrendous emotional experience. After his description of his family's reaction to his sexuality, very few in the mostly female group had dry eyes. Many in the session admitted that they consider themselves allies because of the difficult experiences that friends and family go through with those who don't accept homosexuality. It hurt to see the emotional pain that the student panelist was enduring-people he loves refuse to accept him for what he is, and he knows that he can never be happy as something he isn't.

My next educational opportunity came the very next evening at a discussion event co-sponsored by the Graduate and Professional Women's Network (GPWN) and DukeOUT, the graduate LGBT group. Mandy Carter, a nationally known lesbian activist and nominee for the Nobel Peace Prize, spoke to a full house in the Women's Center about gender identity and transsexuality. Attendees talked about their own experiences or those of their friends. For people who don't identify as being the gender society expects them to be-or even those who identify as the gender with which they were born but feel most comfortable looking and/or dressing as a different gender-simply entering a restroom that's labeled as male or female can be uncomfortable. I can only imagine how distressing it would be to be told that I don't belong in the restroom.

When I was growing up, my mom's best friends were a lesbian couple. Many of my closest friends identify as gay or lesbian. I always thought that I was understanding of all lifestyles, but I find that I am still learning about acceptance all the time. I have to admit that I had never before thought about why we have non-gender specific bathrooms at home but not in most public buildings. I never realized how difficult it could be for those who don't fit our society's gender norms to bring themselves to even enter such a public restroom, though I'm now supportive of the movement to make public restrooms gender-neutral.

I am also continually surprised at the lack of understanding of non-mainstream lifestyles in our society, even within Duke's graduate school. As the RSVP contact for Mandy Carter's discussion, I received many e-mails from people who were interested in and supportive of the event. I also received one from a student who thought it was crazy that anyone would not know what gender they were supposed to identify as. Unfortunately, I know that this represents the opinion of more than just one student.

I have also been surprised to learn that those who are supportive of equality for some groups are not necessarily supportive of others. Activists who oppose racism may not consider the fight for rights in the LGBT community as equally important. Those in the LGBT community may repress their cultural identity because of racism or their sexuality in their cultural groups because of homophobia. An understanding of the importance of equality should extend to all aspects of our identity-race, gender, nationality, sexuality-but it often doesn't.

Many of us at Duke do work for equality with regards to race or gender, which I certainly applaud. As future leaders in our communities-lawyers, doctors, nurses, policy makers, CEOs, ministers, scientists-I challenge each of you to learn more about gender identity and sexuality as well. Sign up for the SAFE program, attend a DukeOUT event or a discussion on gender or sexuality, or just talk to friends at Duke about these important issues. Even if you think you know what the issues are, I can guarantee that there is always more to learn.