Dear MILLI,
I was so excited to see that you had written back—it’s the first time I’ve received any mail in my Duke Mailbox aside from my DukeCard statements.
I hope your first week of classes went better than mine. I was picketing the deconstruction of the BC walkway, under which I have regularly enjoyed watching the Trainees Of Olde-English Lance and Sword-fighting (TOOLS) work-out, when a non-Securitas guy on a Segway approached me. I thought he was just the guy at RDU that makes me circle around five times, but he insisted I was pushing the campus terror threat level up to Apricot. I tried to dodge him by sprinting up the newly-congested Chapel steps—just imagining his law enforcement potential on the stairs of Gross Chem cracked me up—but he found the only wheelchair ramp on West. I started rehearsing the “Tips in Case You Get Arrested—Something Every Duke Student Should Know” from The Chronicle, but the pursuit ended abruptly when SecuraDude saw Russ Ferguson carrying ROTC’s portrait of George W. Bush to the Duke Conservative Union meeting and gave chase.
As for school, the only class that I’m excited for is my independent study. Last year I designed a cyborg which I was going to use to help me get hot babes. In the end, Jesse Robotron-goria was donated to Durham in the hopes that he’ll improve community relations. He is well suited to this task, with interactive features: shake his hand once, he says “Yes!”; slap him on the back, he’ll tell you a Southern joke; give him a hug, and he’ll use DSG to facilitate peace between Israel and Palestine. Anyways, my current independent study is almost as sweet: I’m writing a program to simulate the social networking of Duke students. It basically works like this: You get double extra bonus points to start if you’re a freshman girl (which depreciates with years), and the inverse amount if you’re a freshman boy (which subsequently gains) [Fig. 1]. DELISH is hoping to use my model to predict how often to replace their free giveaways.
Oh, on that note, I tried using the free TAG spray I got at the bookstore, and I only attracted the campus squirrels. Still, any athlete will tell you that some action is better than none.
Catch you later,
VANILLI
Dear VANILLI,
Ha, I guess we have more in common than I thought—I too was on the run from the po-po last week. In case you haven’t heard, a number of Duke students the size of most post-Soviet fracture nations were cited off campus. Getting in trouble was my own fault, I guess, because when the shady men in jackets that said “ALE” stopped me at the door and asked me what I was drinking, I assumed it was just SAE choosing another combination of fake greek letters. I’m kind of pissed about it, because I actually wasn’t drunk yet that night, just all Listerined-up for the Ladies. My court date is set for fall break which is acceptable since nobody’s going home this year anyway—Thank you, Duke, for scheduling the only cool thing to happen on campus on our only non-minority-themed holiday. Well, at least we’ll have one hit in Wallace Wade this year.
Home opener this weekend—I really wouldn’t mind moving my car if they would win a few. I would rather eat Marketplace grits for a straight decade than spend another hour circling the first lot in the mad hope that the guy going to his Lexus SUV actually intends to leave campus instead of just retrieve the pot he forgot and wants to smoke in his philosophy class.
I have made a handy profit, though, by inserting a card which says “Send payment here: MILLI’s address” into the 4,739 yellow citation envelopes I saw this week, ’cause it turns out that there are no jobs available in the entire world for people who don’t qualify for work study. Oh, and I got a good 30 bucks from the cabana I set up at the Belmont pool. I don’t actually live there, but then again, who does? Not anybody I’ve ever seen swimming.
Well I gotta go—Brodie’s closing soon, and I still look brawny to those nubile freshmen.
Cheers,
MILLI
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