Hey MILLI,
I thought I caught a glimpse of you in the B.C. hubbub today-didn't actually realize it was the Career Fair until I walked out back where a group of black-suited seniors were offering a blood sacrifice to Resumeus Fabulosus, Patron Saint of the Job Hunt. They looked dressed to kill, or dressed to go to a funeral, I'm not sure which. There wasn't much there for me (do they even save time by shortening it to I-banking?), so I left early. P.S. Why do you think it is that every consulting firm's name sounds like a bad guy on Star Trek? ("Roger that, Commander Marakon. Specialist Tritek will beam you up.")
Other news: A couple Texans in my dorm started this vigilante group and I joined up-our purpose is to personally annoy all of the students who massively irritate the whole of the student body. For example, duct-taping shut the mouths of people who have loud PERSONAL phone calls on the bus (i.e. "hahahaha, he put it WHERE???"). And if you e-Print any document that's longer than the length of a small Bible, we hack in to add a header to every page reading "Jesus hates tree-killers." And we shave off any undergraduate mustaches.
But I really wanted to talk to you about this girl that I met. I feel like we had a real moment-I realized we had friends in common when we played the "Six Degrees of Emily Aviki" game (a personal favorite). She said stuff like "To the face!" and "Obvi!", so I really think she dug me. Anyways, I asked her out via e-mail and am still waiting on a response-how long do you think I should wait before Friday to cancel our reservation at Grace's?
VANILLI
VANILLI,
That could've been me you saw at the Career Fair today, but I wasn't there for long. I actually left early because I was going to donate blood.They turned me away though-apparently if you spend more than a week in a tropical climate you might have diseases. And here I thought what happens in Cabo stays in Cabo. Whatever, just seeing all the other kids' blood made my arm hurt too much to do any homework today (still might play some 'rut later, though).
Hey, could your vigilante people do anything about that one tricksy speedbump on Science Dr. that has no markings and comes out of nowhere and has, to date, ripped off approximately half of my car's under-workings and littered them in front of the construction area where I swear workers are collecting them for scrap metal to use on the French Science Building? Thanks. Although maybe I wouldn't hit it if people didn't ride their bikes on the road when there's nobody walking on the sidewalk. Get. Off. The. Road. Hippie.
Also on my "annoying list": anyone who has ever worked at the front desk of OSAF. Or Res Life. I don't have a right hand anymore because it withered away and fell off from filling out all the forms that are required to register a party on campus. For that matter, losing a right hand is pretty annoying, too. At least the party's theme is "Pirates and Their Booty" so I guess my hook will just be a little more authentic than anyone else's.
As for your lady situation, I have to tell you that your life makes me very sad. Attaching an excerpt from the social science self-help book I'm writing-sounds like you could use the advice.
MILLI
Excerpt from
"The Unzipping Point":
"...finding the woman who wants to go home with you requires only a simple regression analysis of factors. When all other influences are held stable, Hook-Up Potential, we find, is directly correlated with two components: Current Social Setting and Extant Libation. For example, if you have met the woman in question at Top of the Hill where she is drinking a gin and tonic, you stand no chance and should depart immediately. However, on the opposite end of the spectrum, if you are plying your game with a woman in Shooter's who is clutching a Jack 'n' Coke, your chances of getting some are statistically perfect. For that matter, when on the prowl, never bother going anywhere but Shooter's..."
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