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The return of Monday, Monday

Dear MILLI,

I stalked you on the facebook.com, which I hear is still a socially acceptable thing to do. I was wondering how it was possible for an incoming freshman from Tulsa to already have 278 friends at Duke when I chanced upon the group “Spelling Bee Third-Runners-Up Are Awesome,” of which you are treasurer. I’m not a great speller myself, but I took one look at your A.C. Slater-style pic and figured you could help me “be more cool.” I need this for job interviews. And I want to learn the art of “having mad game.” Can you help me?

About me: I watch no TV and have no outside connection to the real world, aside from seeing Durhamites (whom I dub “sketchy” by default) at CompUSA. I would read newspapers, but I get too psyched about the crossword and comics to look at any other page. I mean, I’m in Pratt, so any reading or writing skills that I once had disappeared after admissions saw my verbal SAT.

I like to complain approximately every 10 minutes about how much work I have and how Pratt is way harder than Trinity—then I brag about e-kegs. It’s one of my favorite things to do, besides the “how long can I go without a shower?” game. I beat the entire PWild entourage last week, and let me tell you, victory is sweet.

I’m psyched to start class again, but I hate how congested the BC walkway gets the first week of classes with people having the obligatory 30-second “My summer was great!! How was yours?!” conversations with freshman-year hookups.

Anyway, what about you? Do you prefer X-box or PSP?

VANILLI

 

Dear VANILLI,

 When I received your letter I was hesitant to write back because I don’t normally associate with lost causes. I’ve never met a real engineer before—only heard references to your kind in throw-away lines from DUI shows. But I can always use more community service hours. To get girls, you only really need two bottles: hair gel and Everclear.

About me: I’m a political science/public policy/English triple-major, minoring in women’s studies and working toward a Markets and Management certificate. I’m not interested in any of these, but I believe that every major you have as an undergrad adds an extra zero to the end of your starting paycheck. Words like “underpins” and “paradigm” pepper my conversation, because sounding smart is more important than being smart. Just look at any Chronicle columnist!

I’m from Jersey but I spent the summer in The City where, surprisingly, out of nine million residents I only ran into other Duke students. You know, the ones who weren’t in D.C. this summer. My i-banking internship didn’t pay, but I got valuable experience in document replication, incoming post dissemination and mass purchasing (from Krispy Kreme™).

I’m an active member of thirty-nine clubs, including one that I founded and hold all the executive positions for. It’s a mission-based secret society, so I shouldn’t tell you what we do, but if I were you I wouldn’t sit on any of the Spanish benches at 3:03 p.m. this Tuesday. Take THAT, Eddie Hull! I’m not completely sure what he’s done to Duke students that’s so lamentable (note the vocab!), but on principle I like seeing the administration thwarted (I’m awesome!). Like, two days ago, I thought someone had stolen an East-West bus and was all pumped about it. In actuality it had just disappeared—apparently someone painted a life-sized picture of the Chapel on it. At first I had no clue why anyone would want to do such a thing. Then I realized camoflauge was a pretty handy trick, and used it last night to try and videotape my ex get down with her new boyfriend. The image on my spandex suit must not have lined up correctly with the back wall of the WELevator, though, because an unflattering comparison was drawn between me and some Parizades employee.

Well, I should go. It’s almost 11 p.m. and there’s a show on Cinemax that I need to study for my “Gender and Sexualities” class.

         Best,

         MILLI

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