My fellow citizens, I speak to you via Chronicle column to inform you of a great danger that is about to infiltrate U.S. cities today. While we continue to fight the international war on terrorism, spreading our wings of democracy and saving nations around the world with our god-given American talents, we face domestic terrorists that have been identified by the Department of Homeland Securitas as “Duke students,” who will strike fear everywhere next week under their secret code: “Spring Break.”
We have experienced this type of domestic terrorism every March in the Gothic Wonderland, where the evildoers shed their winter coats to bask in the beaches of Florida, Mexico and Puerto Rico in order to enjoy a week away from our nation that is Duke. The Department of Homeland Securitas has identified their weapon of mass destruction as alcohol, which—when imbibed in large quantities as outlined in the Spring Break plan—may result in memorable times.
My fellow Americans, be afraid.
Unlike our international evildoers, our domestic enemies are easily recognizable. On this so-called mission of Spring Break, Duke students will travel in hordes through means of four-passenger vehicles that blast grandmother-unfriendly music, while they hang out for the sake of hanging out. They will infiltrate clubs and bars at night, periodically possessing the weapon of beer, and they will dance into the wee hours of mornings until they can no longer dance. Together, they will act radically and sporadically, and we will retaliate.
We will retaliate because these terrorists display a behavior over Spring Break that, if infiltrated onto our campus, would disrupt the very academic environment that stands on the pillars of freedom and democracy. We will not tolerate Duke students or their WMDs.
We will retaliate by declaring our War on Spring Break, which will occur in a three-phase plan. We have just completed Phase One, where we have taken a hard-nosed stance against these evildoers by implementing in the world’s best “faculitary” the right to academic empowerment. By collectively assigning longer mundane problem sets, harder midterms and multiple inessential papers in the span of five days, the coalition of the faculitary have stifled these Duke students from pursuing an engaging and personal learning lifestyle. God bless America.
From Phase One, we have successfully suppressed the terrorists not only from Beirut tournaments, but also television, poker, pick-up basketball games, leisure reading and dinner dates. We have successfully limited any type of meaningful communication among them by enforcing review session marathons and extra busy work and being intolerant to free time. Through our actions, we are not only denying their access to the weapon of mass destruction, but we are denying their access to viable experiences and overall fun, with or without WMDs. The evidence of our success is clear; the terrorists now silently congregate in the Gothic Reading Room or Perkins Library with e-reserves and practice midterms in hand, rather than engage in genuine conversations in dorm rooms or restaurants.
Americans, these evildoers must continue to be weakened first, before being conquered.
Today, we enter Phase Two, where the expected terrorists’ plans of Spring Break will be implemented. Ultimately, this will be our biggest obstacle. On this mission of Spring Break, these terrorists will reconnect with other terrorists, families and neighbors and will be reminded of a former lifestyle that included personal choice. These evildoers will once again implement the WMD to full capacity and, by returning to some form of a life, the Duke students will have fun.
Again, this Spring Break mission poses a great danger to our society. Duke students will return and do astonishing harm to the great nation of Duke University if we do not counteract the dangers of Phase Two. Therefore, our Administration is already working hard through the coalition of the faculitary to ensure that the workload in Phase One is re-implemented after Spring Break through Phase Three, with the same execution of merciless busy work and unrelenting deadlines.
Fellow citizens, let me make this clear. Our Administration will continue to refuse to acknowledge the importance of social interactions and personal experiences in higher learning. The evildoers will be silenced, and victory will be ours.
Let democracy reign.
Miho Kubagawa is a Trinity sophomore. Her column appears every other Friday.
Get The Chronicle straight to your inbox
Signup for our weekly newsletter. Cancel at any time.