TOMMY SEABASS was excited this weekend to acquire a ticket to the Duke Food Service Employees Basketball Tournament, a little-known annual ritual taking place after-hours in the Brodie Gymnasium.
Things did not go well for TOMMY SEABASS at the outset. He had bet heavily on The Marketplace, knowing that they had three employees who had been stars in high school. Unfortunately, TOMMY SEABASS had not counted on The Marketplace’s inept Aramark managers, who traded two of their stars to the Quencher’s team for two oranges and a Chocolate Elvis.
Jack Chao seemed to have compiled the unstoppable team, but two of his players ended up disqualified after he was unable to persuade the other teams that J.J. Redick and Shelden Williams spent their spare time delivering combination platters for Grace’s.
The first game featured Team Chik-Fil-A versus Team Alpine Bagel.
“Shirts or skins?” the Alpine captain asked the Chik-Fil-A captain, hesitating for approximately two seconds. “SHIRTS OR SKINS?!?” the Alpine captain demanded.
Taken aback, the Chik-Fil-A captain responded: “Alright baby, we’ll be shirts then.”
“Wait, you said skins, right?” the Alpine captain asked five seconds later.
The Chik-Fil-A ladies showed much efficiency and quickness on the court, but they were ultimately doomed by their kindly nature and generosity, which led to 27 turnovers. Most of the giveaways occurred after defensive rebounds, as the ladies would return the ball to the shooters, saying “Oooh, nice shot baby! Why don’t you try that again?”
Team Alpine Bagel ended up victorious, though they were nearly disqualified due to premature celebration, yelling “Next in line. Next in line!” with 3 minutes still left on the clock.
Next up was Team Subway vs. Team Quenchers. Chao’s already-depleted squad failed to play to their expectations, as Chao was, not surprisingly, a ball hog. On his team’s first possession, he drove to the basket, only to be swatted by Subway team captain and veteran cashier Arthur Brodie. A fired-up Brodie got in Chao’s face after the rejection. “You want a combo with THAT?” he shouted. Dejected, Chao responded by calling a cheap foul.
Brodie got his revenge on the ensuing possession. As Chao drove to the hole, Arthur responded by slapping him with “the rag” from the Subway counter, smearing Chao with a mixture of spoiled mayonnaise, mustard, “Seafood Special” and red wine vinaigrette sauce.
Team Great Hall suddenly looked like the best pick due to the 1-2 punch of Pasta Pete and Beefy: a deadly combination considering Pete’s quick hands and distribution skills and Beefy’s thunderous finishing power. Beefy showed slick moves in the post, mixing up his attack like stir-fry sauces. Pasta Pete helped too, with brutal trash-talk after each score.
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The Great Hall strategy worked, as they routed the first two squads they faced. Their run was cut short, however, when Beefy was ejected after shattering the backboard on an alley-oop from Pasta Pete.
Pasta Pete’s throat ached as he searched for refreshment after the game. Serving drinks along the sideline was the bartender from Armadillo Grill who bears striking resemblance to Topanga from “Boy Meets World.” In stark contrast to the pricey refreshment stand set up by Chao, a drink from the gregarious bartender could be obtained for free with a playful wink and coy smile.
Upset with finishing last place every year, “Rick” of Rick’s diner jettisoned most of his usual team and promised a newer, healthier lineup. But the team turned out greatly overpriced and underperforming and was no match for Pauly’s one-man show. Some Rick’s team members blamed their sub-par performance on a lack of sleep and too few smoking breaks. However, it is well known that since the removal of the Pork BBQ sandwich from the menu, everything from Ricks is terrible.
In the end, the team from McDonalds triumphed. Their speed in transition and team-oriented attitude took their game to a level unmatched on campus. Tournament MVP was McDonald’s manager Raphael Perez. Excited about the win, Raffy exclaimed, “Ba-da-ba-ba-bah, I’m lovin’ it.” He then described the key to victory as “We love to see you smile.” Asked what he planned to do next, Raffy responded, “Did somebody say McDonalds?”
TOMMY SEABASS sat next to President Brodhead and Dean Sue at the game. Brodhead kept making a joke about the players getting “served,” and Dean Sue was unable to identify a single player on the court.