The Duke-UNC Men’s basketball game only two days away, and TOMMY SEABASS could not be more excited. He and the other members of Tent 40 have had about all the low temperatures, tent checks and malt liquor they can handle. Now, they anxiously await Coach K’s annual speech to the Cameron Crazies.
Having attended several of Coach K’s speeches during his time at Duke, TOMMY SEABASS knows that he must bring his “A” Game when the question-and-answer session comes around. Students should avoid critical questions at all costs, for Coach K can be quite sensitive.
Three years ago, at an “Ask Coach K” event at the Marketplace, a student had the gall to ask what the team was doing to work on breaking the full-court press. An irate Coach K responded with a 10-minute, exceedingly graphic filibuster involving several of the student’s close relatives in addition to disparaging remarks about Dean Smith.
Besides, such criticism is ineffective on Coach K, as he deflects any personal or professional challenges by pointing out that he: 1) wins championships and 2) gives money to charity. TOMMY SEABASS desperately wants to avoid any awkward exchanges with the famed motivator and best-selling author, and so he has spent a great deal of time drafting a list of acceptable questions. Here are those that DID NOT make the cut. (Just to be clear, TOMMY SEABASS strongly urges everyone to avoid these questions and others like them):
Coach K, with all due respect, couldn’t a well-trained chimp have coached the players you’ve had over the past three years to just two Sweet Sixteens and one Final Four?
Coach K, a columnist for the Raleigh News and Observer was recently criticized for describing forward Shavlik Randolph as a “dud.” Which of the following words do you believe serves as a better description of Randolph, given his career at Duke:
Throughout your career, you have been accused of burning out your players and leaving them unable to perform at a competitive level once in the NBA. And while Blue Devil players are now starting to play better in the pros, they also tend to be leaving Duke early. Have you observed a reverse correlation between the quality of your players’ performance in the NBA and the amount of time they’ve spent under your iron fist?
Does Reggie Love’s return to the team foretell an increased enrollment for the exclusive basketball “fraternity” ‘Phi-Drinka-Forty,’ the group Love and Chris Duhon started for the apparent purposes of binge drinking and squandering NBA and NFL talent?
Coach Krzyzewski, you often respond to criticism about your inflated ego, hostile treatment of referees, and foul language by citing the amount of money you have given to charity. Are we to conclude from this that you consider writing checks a proper substitute for common human decency?
Coach K, TOMMY SEABASS does not have a father that is co-owner of an NBA franchise, but he did have better high school stats than walk-on Joe Pagliuca. Is it still possible for TOMMY SEABASS to become a “favor player” and take up space on your bench?
Coach Krzyzewski, which is more artificial: your left hip or your respect for the Cameron Crazies? Along those lines, which is more artificial: your right hip or your friendship with Bob Knight?
Coach Krzyzewski, the 1992 men’s basketball Olympic team featured 11 of the greatest NBA players ever and Christian Laettner. And while NBA coaches Chuck Daly and Lenny Wilkins obviously had authority when it came to on-the-court decisions, you allegedly used your clout to secure the Dream Team’s 12th spot for Laettner instead of Shaquille O’Neal. Do you believe that the respective NBA careers of the two have justified the arguments you used, or should you have yielded to your superiors on the matter?
Coach, you often speak about doing things the right way and holding yourself to a higher standard than other programs. Which action by a former player of yours better exemplifies this: Carlos Boozer tricking a blind man for a $68 million contract, or Quinn Snyder giving gifts to prospective Missouri players? And as a follow up, will either of these individuals be speaking at your ethics forum this year?
Coach K, would you say that your decision to add Reggie Love to this year’s roster came more from his abilities as an off-the-court role model for Duke University, or the 5 more fouls he adds to your gameplan?
TOMMY SEABASS would like those over-aged, stat-geek fanboys at DBR to kiss his @$$.
Get The Chronicle straight to your inbox
Signup for our editorially curated, weekly newsletter. Cancel at any time.