TOMMY SEABASS was forced to change his plans last week once the news of former Duke President Douglas Knight’s death hit campus. Having planned a relaxing weekend with his favorite niece and nephew at his cabin in the woods, TOMMY SEABASS instead volunteered to drive members of the Duke community to Doylestown, Pa. for President Knight’s funeral. There were two factors behind TOMMY SEABASS’s decision: one, an undying commitment to serving his University, and two, an inability to pass up a road trip.
While TOMMY SEABASS was unable to acquire a full-size campus bus on such short notice, he easily secured a much-shorter bus from the Triangle Area Rental Division.
First to board the bus were Quencher’s owner Jack Chao and his blender-wielding helper Pepe. Chao refused to board the bus until TOMMY SEABASS assured him there would be no charge for the ride and agreed to grant Chao exclusive rights to sell refreshments to other passengers. Chao again delayed his own boarding, opting instead to extort a $50 boarding fee from those waiting to get on the bus and offering them his children’s leftover Halloween candy for $2 a piece.
Next up were Duke President Dick Brodhead and famed civil rights historian John Hope Franklin; and last on the bus was Duke football coach Ted Roof, who surprised TOMMY SEABASS with his choice in outerwear: a leather biker jacket. “Wait a minute,” TOMMY SEABASS said, as he reached towards Roof’s face, yanked off a mask and realized that the passenger-to-be was actually former Duke football coach Carl Franks.
“Sorry Coach,” said TOMMY SEABASS, “this bus is for Duke personnel only.”
“C’mon, I just want to pay my respects to the one person who left Duke with a more tarnished legacy than me.”
“I don’t think so—,” started TOMMY SEABASS.
“C’mon, I won some games—almost beat Carolina that year. I know Steve Spurrier, dammit!” boasted Franks.
“Sorry,” said TOMMY SEABASS, as he shut the bus’s door and peeled away. Minutes later, Brodhead discreetly pulled the stop cord while giggling like a schoolgirl. “Knock it off back there,” TOMMY SEABASS ordered, only to be hit in the back of the head with a spit-wad.
The trip up I-85 was uneventful, aside from a brief dispute between Franklin and Pepe over where to stop for lunch. The quarrel ended though when the bus stopped at a combination KFC-Taco Bell in Delaware.
The bus arrived at Knight’s funeral after a five-hour journey. It was raining, and Chao’s face quickly lit up. He and Pepe proceeded to unravel a supply of umbrellas, which they began selling to tearful mourners for $100 a piece.
Brodhead took the stage to deliver the eulogy, refusing to let the rain or the occasion dampen his always-jovial demeanor. Noting the precipitation, he nodded at Knight’s family. “It’s just not your week, is it now?” Brodhead said, “HaHaHa.” Having sufficiently broken the ice, Brodhead followed with a somber and eloquent eulogy, just as one would expect from a Yale English doctorate.
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The funeral actually ended on such a positive note that Pepe suggested spending the remainder of the week in Pennsylvania. There was, however, an objection.
“We can’t stay,” Franklin said, “I forgot a toothbrush.”
“A what?” asked a befuddled Brodhead.
Others protested too, saying they had too much work to do. One was Brodhead.
“What are you talking about?” asked Pepe, “you just sit in your office and play Solitaire all day.”
“That’s outrageous!” said Brodhead. “I play at least three games of Minesweeper every day. Plus I’m getting better at Hearts.”
TOMMY SEABASS poses the following equation to Matt Gillum: ∑You + ∑YourTerribleColumn=?