“A theory is the more impressive the greater the simplicity of its premises, the more different kinds of things it relates to, and the more extended its area of applicability.”
F(Existence)=∑DNA passed on to future generations.
F(Human)=An amusing way for DNA to copy itself.
F(Human) + F(Life)≠Suffering if and only if Equation 1.4g
Happiness(Duke Undergraduate)= (F(Sex)•F(Relationships)•F(Friendship)• F(Health)•F(Success)•F(Recreation)
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∑Romantic partners•∑Sex Appeal of Romantic Partners
Stds2•∑Body Mass Index of Romantic Partners•∑Romantic Partners in Pratt Excluding Self4
∑Commitment Level of Romantic Partners•∑Sex Appeal of Romantic Partners
∑Attractiveness of Girlfriend• (Area Under Girlfriend’s Bra)dDdDdBoobies
∑Times Girlfriend Insists on Sharing a Single Bed•∑Girlfriend’s Objections to Infidelity
∑Attractiveness of Boyfriend• (Area Inside Boyfriend’s Wallet)dBlingd$dBling
∑Boyfriend’s Infidelity•∑Microorganisms Growing in Boyfriend’s Apartment
∑Close Relationships3•∑Homosexual Encounters with Friends
∑Times Slept with Friends’ Romantic Partners•∑Times Friends’ BMWs Crashed into Trees on Flowers Dr.
∑Hours Spent Running•∑Salads Eaten
∑Pauly Dogs Consumed•∑Kilograms Nicotine Gum Chewed
Asian Descent•Connections of Parents•%Body Mass Genitalia•Pratt3
∑Hours spent watching Duke Women’s Tennis26•∑Time Spent Reading Porn in the Library•∑Hunting
∑Hours Spent Doing Homework•∑Court Ordered Community Service
However, since romantic relationships are inherently exploitive, F(SexWomen)•F(SexMen)=0. And, F(RelationshipsMen)•F(RelationshipsWomen)=0.
Therefore, by Equation 1.4:
Happiness(Duke Undergraduate)= F(Friendship)•F(Health)•F(Success) •F(Recreation)
However, since ∑Homosexual Encounters with Friends and ∑Pauly Dogs Consumed cancel (Gödel’s Gay Healthy Eating Theorem), and ∑Salads Eaten and ∑Times Slept with Friends’ Romantic Partners also cancel (Gauss’s Salad Shuts off Your Nuts Theorem), F(Friendship)•F(Health)=
∑Hours Spent Running∑Close Relationships3
∑Times Friends’ BMWs Crashed into Trees on Flowers Dr.∑Kilograms Nicotine Gum Chewed
And since ∑Asian Descent and ∑Court Ordered Community Service cancel (Model Minority Theorem), ∑Connections of Parents and ∑Time Spent Doing Homework cancel (Rich Kids Don’t Work and Spend All Day Freaking Sorority Girls Theorem), ∑Hunting and EtOH cancel (Guns and Alcohol Bad Combo Lemma), and ∑Time Spent Reading Porn in the Library and Gonorrhea cancel (Pornography Stops Fornication and Saves Lives Theorem), F(Success)•F(Recreation)=
∑Hours spent watching Duke Women’s Tennis26• %Body Mass Genitalia•Pratt3
Therefore by combination and cancellation: ∑Times Friends’ BMWs Crashed into Trees on Flowers Dr. and Pratt3 cancel (Pratt Kids Aren’t that Retarded Theorem), Trinity and ∑Close Relationships cancel (Trinity Kids are Narcissistic and Shallow Theorem) so Happiness(Duke Undergraduate)=
∑Hours spent watching Duke Women’s Tennis26•%Body Mass Genitalia•∑Hours Spent Running
∑Kilograms Nicotine Gum Chewed
Q.EDizzle , Amen
Matt Gillum is a Trinity senior. His column appears Wednesdays.