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“A theory is the more impressive the greater the simplicity of its premises, the more different kinds of things it relates to, and the more extended its area of applicability.”

—Albert Einstein

Equation 1.1:

F(Existence)=∑DNA passed on to future generations.

Equation 1.2:

F(Human)=An amusing way for DNA to copy itself.

Equation 1.3:

F(Human) + F(Life)≠Suffering if and only if Equation 1.4g

Equation 1.4:

Happiness(Duke Undergraduate)= (F(Sex)•F(Relationships)•F(Friendship)• F(Health)•F(Success)•F(Recreation)



∑Romantic partners•∑Sex Appeal of Romantic Partners


Stds2•∑Body Mass Index of Romantic Partners•∑Romantic Partners in Pratt Excluding Self4



∑Commitment Level of Romantic Partners•∑Sex Appeal of Romantic Partners


∑Romantic Partners




∑Attractiveness of Girlfriend• (Area Under Girlfriend’s Bra)dDdDdBoobies


∑Times Girlfriend Insists on Sharing a Single Bed•∑Girlfriend’s Objections to Infidelity



∑Attractiveness of Boyfriend• (Area Inside Boyfriend’s Wallet)dBlingd$dBling


∑Boyfriend’s Infidelity•∑Microorganisms Growing in Boyfriend’s Apartment



∑Close Relationships3•∑Homosexual Encounters with Friends


∑Times Slept with Friends’ Romantic Partners•∑Times Friends’ BMWs Crashed into Trees on Flowers Dr.



∑Hours Spent Running•∑Salads Eaten


∑Pauly Dogs Consumed•∑Kilograms Nicotine Gum Chewed



Asian Descent•Connections of Parents•%Body Mass Genitalia•Pratt3




∑Hours spent watching Duke Women’s Tennis26•∑Time Spent Reading Porn in the Library•∑Hunting


∑Hours Spent Doing Homework•∑Court Ordered Community Service


However, since romantic relationships are inherently exploitive, F(SexWomen)•F(SexMen)=0. And, F(RelationshipsMen)•F(RelationshipsWomen)=0.


Therefore, by Equation 1.4:

Happiness(Duke Undergraduate)= F(Friendship)•F(Health)•F(Success) •F(Recreation)


However, since ∑Homosexual Encounters with Friends and ∑Pauly Dogs Consumed cancel (Gödel’s Gay Healthy Eating Theorem), and ∑Salads Eaten and ∑Times Slept with Friends’ Romantic Partners also cancel (Gauss’s Salad Shuts off Your Nuts Theorem), F(Friendship)•F(Health)=


∑Hours Spent Running∑Close Relationships3


∑Times Friends’ BMWs Crashed into Trees on Flowers Dr.∑Kilograms Nicotine Gum Chewed


And since ∑Asian Descent and ∑Court Ordered Community Service cancel (Model Minority Theorem), ∑Connections of Parents and ∑Time Spent Doing Homework cancel (Rich Kids Don’t Work and Spend All Day Freaking Sorority Girls Theorem), ∑Hunting and EtOH cancel (Guns and Alcohol Bad Combo Lemma), and ∑Time Spent Reading Porn in the Library and Gonorrhea cancel (Pornography Stops Fornication and Saves Lives Theorem), F(Success)•F(Recreation)=


∑Hours spent watching Duke Women’s Tennis26• %Body Mass Genitalia•Pratt3




Therefore by combination and cancellation: ∑Times Friends’ BMWs Crashed into Trees on Flowers Dr. and Pratt3 cancel (Pratt Kids Aren’t that Retarded Theorem), Trinity and ∑Close Relationships cancel (Trinity Kids are Narcissistic and Shallow Theorem) so Happiness(Duke Undergraduate)=


∑Hours spent watching Duke Women’s Tennis26•%Body Mass Genitalia•∑Hours Spent Running


∑Kilograms Nicotine Gum Chewed



Q.EDizzle , Amen


Matt Gillum is a Trinity senior. His column appears Wednesdays.



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