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SIR ELTON was thinking of being a total jerk this week, just to prepare for this whole Thanksgiving holiday you Americans have. That’s how it works, right? You don’t thank anyone for anything the whole week before Thanksgiving so you can save up your thanks for that Thursday? SIR ELTON has enough tests and whatnot to keep him unhappy and unthankful this whole week. Plus SIR ELTON is used to his native holiday of Thankstaking, one single day when everyone makes sure everyone else knows they are taking each other for granted.

These huge cultural events like Awaaz are occurring more and more often, causing SIR ELTON to question his own cross-cultural inquiry skills. And also, who has the energy to organize all that stuff? SIR ELTON’s own culture isn’t worth a three-minute vaudeville routine. That’s why he does a two-minute vaudeville routine by himself in his closet instead, to commemorate Thankstaking. Those dancers sure can turn a jig though. They strike like lightning, then treat you gently like a soft bed of feathers, then the lighting comes back. SIR ELTON supposes that constant switching does make you uncomfortable after a while. But what the hell, that should count for a cross-cultural inquiry in the academic matrix. Oh, did SIR ELTON say matrix? He meant boring, threateningly blank “advisement” report.

SIR ELTON had forgotten how cutthroat scheduling was, that or people want their classes a lot worse this year. SIR ELTON woke up at 6:57, a.m. mind you, and at 6:58 a rock was thrown threw his window with a message attached that said, “Don’t register for that PPS 116 class, or next time this is a Molotov cocktail.” Which SIR ELTON thought was nice because he usually has to go to frat parties and dress like a girl to get free beer. When clicking register at 7:00 and two seconds gets you 59th in line for registering, SIR ELTON has to wonder if there isn’t a better way to do this. MacGyver would figure out a better way. SIR ELTON has never seen him in action, but he heard he can do stuff. If the Duke administration really wanted to cut down on weekend partying SIR ELTON thinks it should open registration windows at midnight Friday night. That or let Prism keep hosting parties. Not to be too hard on Prism, at least they got the theme right with the Maximum Security Prison theme since no one wants to go to prison.

SIR ELTON would like to take this opportunity to retract any derogatory statements about the football team that he may or may not have made at some point. SIR ELTON wouldn’t know what he’s said in the past since he doesn’t have time to read this horrible column. But the first conference win for the football team is pretty huge; in fact it generated almost as much excitement as the basketball game vs. NCCU. That last field goal was pretty huge, and SIR ELTON thinks that the kicker should be given a movie deal; he’s definitely the next Rudy. Or else those guys who make the Truth commercials disdaining smoking can hire him to be a symbol of persistence in quitting smoking. “If I can kick a 53-yard field goal, you can kick the habit. It’s practically the same thing.” Then the Truth guys go sexually harass the Duke family for their tobacco business. Oh wait, that could have bad consequences for that kicker if he wants to stay in school. By the way, Stay In School.

SIR ELTON also thinks that the phrase “Gothic Wonderland” may be the most overused phrase on this campus, besides PSM, but no one’s talking about that. People could at least use some variety, like “Land of the Gargoyles” or “Land of Protestant Christianity with a yearning for authentic European architecture.” Can’t we all just learn that with the freedom that this country awards comes a responsibility to not be sophisticated. SIR ELTON himself has had enough of sophistication (not that he ever had any, he just pretends). Now his favorite phrase is, “Supersize Me!”


SIR ELTON thinks the Armadillo Grill should give away complimentary toilet paper with every burrito.


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