SIR ELTON noticed the leaves falling off the trees recently. It got him thinking about the remarkable qualities of the United States, such as four whole seasons and a silly president with enunciation problems. Back home, there’s only one season. Starvation season.
SIR ELTON really likes Halloween since it’s the only time of year he doesn’t get made fun of because people assume his third ear is part of his costume. Of course it does make it harder for people to guess who he is sometimes. This year though SIR ELTON went dressed as Indiana Jones. That costume just seemed most practical as SIR ELTON is really into S&M and was going to buy a leather jacket and a whip anyway.
Since the Red Sox won the World Series last week, SIR ELTON would like to take this opportunity to say what a fan he is. He has loved the Red Sox for his whole life, if ‘whole life’ can be used colloquially to mean four days. He is going to root for them next season too, right up until they lose, at which point they lose his undying support. And is this Boston victory a prophecy of Kerry’s victory? No.
I didn’t bring up the election, you did. Anyway, at least SIR ELTON won’t have to watch anymore negative ads. Whereas those are petty and full of absolute, unbridled hate, SIR ELTON prefers the cordial intellectual forum of shows like the O’Reilly Factor and Crossfire where old people with ingrained biases believe they can be without ‘spin.’ And even with all the major news networks broadcasting election coverage nonstop and millions of pages on the internet, SIR ELTON needed to go to the One Sweet Vote debate to hear a bunch of wannabe O’Reillys and Chris Matthewses debate the issues. Poli Sci majors need to practice in order to learn the ways of political hate. A wise midget in a green alien costume (Yoda) once said “hate turns to suffering,” and SIR ELTON believes him because movies are the best source of philosophical wisdom. In fact, SIR ELTON’s taking the philosophy seminar Yoda’s teaching next semester; “An easy seminar, my class is.” It should be good because there’s only like two papers the whole semester, a small take-home final and Chewbacca is TAing it. Chewbacca’s a Buddhist.
SIR ELTON is extremely alarmed at the shutting down of McDonald's for a while. He has been saving those little monopoly pieces for years, hoping that they won’t be able to tell the difference, and he suspects that this little water problem is just yet another example of the New World Order holding him down. They own McDonald's don’t they? Anywho, he can’t get his day started without his #5 Sausage Biscuit combo with OJ and a little egg. Big eggs irritate him. SIR ELTON thinks they should move the McDonald's out onto the quad for the time being.
SIR ELTON was browsing Kroger’s tampon aisle (he’s been feeling leaky lately) when he saw a fellow student purchasing candy before Halloween, obviously for his own use. SIR ELTON couldn’t believe, as educated as Duke students are, that this guy didn’t understand the principles of Halloween candy supply and demand. Doesn’t he know Halloween candy prices are jacked like three times the regular price before Halloween? You got to wait it out til after Halloween, when all the excess candy is going for half price. That frees you up that much more funds for bitches and hos.
As SIR ELTON reads The Chronicle for random topics to talk about, he passes up the obvious choices of 16-person blocks and second-year seminars for too easy subjects like elections and hos. SIR ELTON thinks he probably needs to adapt since it’s common knowledge that making analogies to squirrel life are all the rage nowadays. Actually as fascinating as that was, SIR ELTON can’t overstate the importance of having a sex column to answer questions that people may have. For instance, SIR ELTON thought he had erectile dysfunction for the first 12 years of his life, and then his parents pointed out that he’s a girl.
A vote for Bush is a vote for Christ.
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