SIR ELTON was wondering why he talks about himself in the third person, and if that was some indication of him being a Neanderthal and if that was a result of his native country being more primitive than a Tyrannosaurus Rex on Hooked on Phonics. Then he wondered what exactly a Neanderthal was. All this thinking was, of course, to deter him from thinking about the election, which is hard enough to not hear people crying about everywhere. SIR ELTON was about to decide that his country was going to the dark side, but then he remembered that he didn’t care because he wasn’t a Democrat, or more importantly, a U.S. citizen. He doesn’t actually have a right to think the country is going down the crapper. Actually SIR ELTON thinks President George W. Bush has been lying to the American public all along by saying he’s a Republican since the Democrats’ symbol is a donkey, and he’s a giant ass.
SIR ELTON doesn’t think ratings for the election matched up to The OC, which makes SIR ELTON think Sen. John Kerry secretly wanted to lose so he could relax and look forward to watching The OC. SIR ELTON knows the election was two days before The OC premiere, but Kerry was probably discussing possible second season plot lines on Internet message boards. SIR ELTON hears the Republicans were rooting for Ryan to move back to the Christian, self-righteous values of Newport, but the Dems thought he had a working-class obligation to stay poor with the girl he knocked up, mostly because interracial relationships are so in. Also, the new House majority leader is putting strong pressure on The OC writers to repress any plot lines involving homosexuality. Today’s youth is better off ignorant.
That way they can ignore that kind of stuff and focus all their attention on the important stuff like basketball. Coach K must have thought it would be a good confidence booster if the Duke team began the season with a reenactment of the Battle of Montreal, killing a Canadian team whose motto is “Basketball, eh.” SIR ELTON was amazed by the huge turnout for a basketball game against an exhibition team from Canada until he realized that the iPods Duke gave freshmen had been reprogrammed so that every time you listen to a song it adds a subliminal track of Coach K whispering “Duke basketball is your life. You didn’t come here for the academics. Go to the basketball games and yell what the cheer sheets tell you to, when they tell you to.” SIR ELTON thinks Duke should just invest in a noise making machine so it can guarantee the crowd never says anything offensive or creative.
SIR ELTON is also wondering what is going on with the weather, since it is screwing with his head and making him crazier than a hypochondriac with cancer. He wakes up freezing so he goes to class all bundled up, when the sun throws a curveball by rising, increasing the temperature like 20 degrees. He returns from class to change into his traditional, native garb of a loincloth and crew socks and leaves, only to see the sun juke him out like Terrell Owens by going back underground. Thus the students must submit to temperatures only describable as “pretty f---ing cold,” making them feel abandoned by the sun like the Angela’s Ashes guy by his father, or any semblance of good foreign policy by the president. Suffice it to say, SIR ELTON is too dumb to catch on to the sun’s tricks so he’s getting hypothermia on a daily basis.
SIR ELTON guesses that’s why more people are staying in nowadays, as common sense has been of use to him in the past. Of course, at the end of this week, every guy will be inside sitting Indian-style playing Halo 2 and telling attention-seeking girls to “go curl their hair or something.” And all the other girls, of course, will be inside having discussion sessions debating the question “Will Ryan get back with Marissa on The OC?” Don’t deny it, we’re all 10-year-olds.
Can you smell what the rock is cooking? Apple Turnovers.
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