SIR ELTON wants to thank the organizers of the Sudanese refugee camp movement for having such compassion and consideration. Sometimes you people really know how to make an international student feel right at home. With the tents, and the general atmosphere of hopelessness, they could not have captured SIR ELTON's homeland better. Add a neglecting father and an inspiring, crippled mother with an adept tongue for aphorisms, and you've got SIR ELTON going to Main West Quad for Thanksgiving in a few days.
Speaking of movements, SIR ELTON had to drop like five deuces yesterday. Oh! There goes SIR ELTON's chances at a stand up career. It doesn't matter--he thinks he has a pretty good chance at a career in protest. Apparently, that's all the rage now, ever since the '60s told us that sitting on your behind can actually be extremely misconstrued for political protest. For every excessively funded, real movement, there are a bunch of kids sitting idly at a bus stop in the most important role of their lives. The most impressive one SIR ELTON has seen has been the movement against long lines at Alpine, in which students protest by waiting in line, then not ordering anything, then getting back in line, every day from 9 to 5. It's a full time job, but hey, change costs more than dimes and cents.
SIR ELTON was amazed at all the excitement that was packed into this past Saturday. Who were the organizing wizards who came up with that one? If people weren't drinking in line for the basketball game, then they were drinking at the tailgate, or passed out by noon. If SIR ELTON were to draw a graph of drunk people passed out as a function of time on Saturday, it would probably look like this:<P
Suffice it to say, the energy supplied in the basketball game was probably more from desperate attempts to not pass out by shouting than actual enthusiasm. The game was, how do you say it, ah yes, a shutout. Tennessee-Martin might as well have been a caged squirrel at the hands of anti-PETA activists (hunters/killing enthusiasts) armed with aluminum bats and hypodermic needles. But hey, that's tons better than UNC (if you hadn't heard, they lost in basketball to one of the boats that Christopher Columbus crossed the Atlantic on). SIR ELTON has seen pathetic losses (excessive blood loss mostly), but losing to a maritime vessel is the worst. Notice SIR ELTON didn't mention Duke's loss in football and the subsequent loss of the bell, because, as has been said before, it's a @*#$ing bell, and also, nobody cares about football.
As one can see from the angst building in SIR ELTON's written voice, he could use a vacation, and that is why this Thanksgiving is much anticipated. He was walking through the BC and saw where his handprint was on the "These hands won't harm a woman" banner and the first thing that popped into his head was "Good thing I use my other hand for wielding bats." He has gotten to the point where going home Tuesday and returning in January has become a reasonable option because what with the plane, boat and camel riding time, it takes about 30 days to get home. And what's with all the pre-break tests? SIR ELTON is tiring of all this character building and this recurring overcoming-hurdles-before-relaxation motif. After watching an episode of Friends at home, SIR ELTON immediately decided to come to America to form a coed group of friends, each with their own quirks, who sleep around with each other and then laugh at the absurdity of their situation. That's the American Dream, not taking tests right before break.
You can click, but you can't hide. Downloading movies is bad.
Get The Chronicle straight to your inbox
Signup for our weekly newsletter. Cancel at any time.