After watching one too many hours of VH1’s ’90s specialty shows, which is all that network has become, I had an epiphany. So bored and so anxious, mainly because my DirecTV wasn’t working and I only had basic cable, I entered a higher state of consciousness and had a vision sometime between “I Love the ’80s” and “I Love the ’90s.” I foresaw our future as a nation in the form of that Saved by the Bell episode where Jessie becomes addicted to caffeine pills.
No seriously. America, we’ve become Jessie Spano in that very same episode. We have become addicted to caffeine pills, furthermore known as The W, vis-a-vis Hot Sundae and “I’m so excited, I’m so excited... I’m so scared!”
The only difference is that we haven’t quite gotten to the “I’m so scared part”; that comes when our republic collapses. I know that sounds like it’s coming out of way left-field, but hear me out on this one.
So, let’s use our TiVos and flash-back to the early ’90s to examine that Saved by the Bell episode: Jessie joins a singing trio but finds that it is difficult to find time for singing and her studies so she starts to take caffeine pills to keep up with everything, including a particularly difficult Geometry exam.
Things start to fall apart for her as she becomes addicted to the pills.
Now, let’s relate Jessie’s addiction to America’s addiction with W. Do we not have an unusually dependence on W? Don’t we need it to “protect” us from terrorists by fighting a very well “logically planned out” war on terror in Iraq? Don’t we need it to protect us against those latte-sipping sodamites? Don’t we need it to protect us against “killing un-born babies” just in case they decide to rise from the dead and overrun the planet and vote Democrat? The George W. caffeine pill contains enough marketed and engineered rhetoric to give us the false “strength and direction” to sing those terrorists all the way back to Valley.
Later on in the episode, Slater finds pills in Jessie’s book bag.
Slater confronts her but it does no good. Zack doesn’t believe Jessie has a problem even though Slater tells him. I guess that’s where we are right now as a republic. One side sees that we have a problem, but the other side, needing Jessie to perform, doesn’t believe that there exists a problem at all.
We have become “I’m so excited, I’m so excited,” so addicted, to such vague notions that we have become a dangerous mix of headstrong and unfocused.
Zack ultimately discovers Jessie’s addiction and tries to help but at first she won’t listen. He confronts Jessie about her addiction... and the rest is history. Unfortunately, since every other part of the episode has come to fruition, there really isn’t much in the way of preventing the collapse of Jessie and our republic. The caffeine pills are taking hold of everything, from Congress to the Supreme Court. The pills no longer have to worry about who to appease for a re-election—the addiction spirals out of hand. Over the next four years, we are truly going to see some Hot Sundae action.
As I’m quite sure, many of us have already booked one way tickets out of the country. Some will return when the republic is restored, or at least when we check our e-mail for the Evite saying that it was okay to return.
It doesn’t matter whether you can relate more to Slater or Zach in all of this.
When Jessie does finally collapse, (and she will) we both need to be there for her. With a martini in one hand and a camcorder in the other, I’ll be watching the collapse of the republic from the roof of my loft. I’ll be here to pick up the pieces and rebuild, as should you.
Friends forever, We’ll be friends, Talkin’ ’bout friends. Always will be there, We’ll be friends together.
Charles Gomez is a Pratt senior.
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