The independent news organization of Duke University

The shady, the sexy and the squirrel-y

In the past I have used my column to write about sex and to also write about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, and I have received criticism for doing so.

Is it so impossible for the Duke community to believe that a woman who is sexually active can be politically active as well? I would like to preempt this column by imploring that my articles on the big “S” word—SEX—should not discredit those I write addressing Middle Eastern politics and civil rights at Duke. Instead, the column below should.

It has been brought to my attention in recent weeks that I am a joke on this campus. In lieu of this somewhat disturbing revelation, I have decided that writing about politics and SEX are what make me a joke. This column, I hope, will restore my dignity, pride and legitimacy as a crime-fighting, completely objective, reporter of all truths.

There is something disturbing happening on our campus right now. It is more important than the Palestine Solidarity Movement conference, Students Against Terror, Philip Kurian’s column and the controversial wall separating Palestine Durham from Israel Duke.

I have decided to prove myself to the students of Duke by writing about yet another “S” word. I dedicate this column to a group on campus that is perhaps more hated than I am.

I’m a little brown.

They’re a little furry.

I like to shake my ass on tables in hopes of balls.

They like to shake the trees in hopes of nuts.

They are hounded by the cats.

I am hounded by the sorostitute felines.

Just in from the Squirrel Homeland Security Department, Duke’s somewhat underground and above-the-canopy publication, The Nuticle, has reported that Duke’s infamous squirrels are planning a conspiracy against us, the students.

The squirrels have such poignant grievances as the barricading of their homeland, which we have co-opted as our quad. As part of their conspiracy, the squirrels have demanded the following: Space in the sorostitute’s Longchamps bag for some quality R&R, Joe-Fraternity’s nuts as rations for the harsh winter ahead, and the eradication of campus kitties who want to “Pussy Control” them.

The campus squirrels are also erred by the bias in faculty hiring at Duke, as displayed by the Duke Conservative Union’s ad in The Nuticle last year. The ad not only displayed a lack of Republican faculty but also starkly demonstrated the absence of Squirrelicans.

For a group that outnumbers any other organization on campus, the squirrels feel politically disempowered and sexually frustrated. According to the infamous Nuticle, the dating rituals of squirrels are comparable to that of Joe-Fraternity’s rendition of the “White Man’s Overbite” at Parizade, explaining why both groups have had to resort to their nuts in the past months of sexual frustration.

The squirrels have listed a series of actions to be taken in the event that the above-mentioned demands are not met:

Divestment from Duke; increase in the use of cruise nussiles (also known as Smart Nuts) to be launched from trees down on to unsuspecting civilians; a breach of the 1951 Squirrel-Duke Accords encompassing the bilateral matrix requirements; As well as a strategic military coup against the DUPD.

You see, the squirrels have had long-standing qualms with the DUPD. Their concerns involve campus security. Joe-Fraternity has been passing out on their lawn and polluting it with beer; and no one seems to care. Also, the sorostitute has caused considerable damage since the introduction of the fashionable stiletto, popularized by an inane article published in The Nuticle’s counterpart, The Chronicle. It is important to note that no squirrels died when the sorostitute wore pearls.

The recent holdups of squirrels around Nuts Diner have also been the subject of recent squirrel debate. These holdups have caused considerable mental and economic harm to the squirrel community. The DUPD’s lacking response to these holdups has also further enraged these normally-all-too-compliant furry friends of Duke. They too only wish to exist in peace.

To address these topics and other pertinent issues squirrels face nationwide at college campuses, the much-controversial Squirrel Solidarity Movement (SSM) has chosen Duke has the host of its next conference. The SSM hopes to draw attention to the plight of the squirrels by addressing the apartheid between college students, squirrels and cats. The conference is still under consideration by Duke President Dick Brodhead.

 

Shadee Malaklou is a Trinity sophomore.

Discussion

Share and discuss “The shady, the sexy and the squirrel-y” on social media.