SIR ELTON does not want to draw attention to the fact that no one cares about him, but nothing makes him sadder and more prone to suicide than watching other people celebrate good times and crush beer cans on their foreheads with their parents. One would think that SIR ELTON’s tragic story involved his parents dying in some freak third world accident involving rice and Chechnyan rebels but no; in actuality SIR ELTON’s parents moved to Chapel Hill but were too lazy to take the 10 minute trip to reminisce with their child. But it’s okay, they’re probably hopped up on opium anyway.
But SIR ELTON has to admit there were certain benefits to Parents’ Weekend, namely parents at frat parties. Sure some might argue that it’s weird or awkward but after pounding down a few sips of beer SIR ELTON was looking at a room full of milfs, and it was heavenly. And SIR ELTON knows spiritual connection. He saw Ghostwriter.
Everyone needs a change of scenery sometimes, so it’s no wonder so many people go study abroad. SIR ELTON was considering going abroad, but is held back by past mistakes, mainly tattoos. No, he’s not worried that the Chinese symbols on his arms might mean something bad to people that actually know the language, it’s just that he only recently found out that a barbed wire armband means “I’m a prick” in any language.
Looking at the classes for next semester has SIR ELTON second-guessing his choice of major. All the English classes just look so interesting it’s hard to resist switching to being an English major. SIR ELTON even went so far as to ask his advisor about the possibility, but all he could give SIR ELTON was the booklet they passed out at the major fair. SIR ELTON flipped to the page titled “What can you do with an English degree? It said: 1. Frame it and hang it 2. into a paper airplane 3.Hopefully put it next to a degree from your other, useful major. And then SIR ELTON remembered that you’re a lazy failure if you’re not premed.
SIR ELTON was walking along Friday seeing people setup for Devil’s Eve and thought to himself, “Uh oh, another big event; that can only mean huge inflatable things.” What can’t be made better by doing it bouncing up and down? SIR ELTON wouldn’t know; he watches The Man Show religiously. Got an obstacle course, why not make it bouncy? Got a trampoline, sure it’s bouncy already, but what if you were attached to bending poles that made you bounce even more? Brilliant!
Then SIR ELTON looked at his $25 Seiko watch thought, “Wait, what the hell is going on?” Who has a large Halloween fun session a week before Halloween? It may be almost Halloween, but people clearly aren’t in the spirit yet.
When SIR ELTON went to the Blue-White scrimmage dressed as crazy towel guy and then pretended to have a heart attack as he was waving vigorously, not a single person laughed. At least Sean Dockery got in the mood and dressed up as someone that can score.
Speaking of holidays, apparently that’s all anyone does anymore. SIR ELTON can’t get away from Johnny asking him about fall break fast enough to escape Senor Vladimirikov interrogating him about his Thanksgiving plans.
But SIR ELTON can’t hate the ignoramuses for asking questions. How would Darwin have discovered the world was round without asking questions? And how would Galileo have discovered Penicillin without the interrogative scientific method? Anyway, SIR ELTON guesses it’s alright to ask questions sometimes, but when he’s going number one in urinal number one, and you pull a side-by-side in urinal number two (which is already a major bathroom foul), have the decency to not start talking up his fall break. Mail him a letter instead and then you’ll know exactly what he’s doing Thanksgiving: burning your dumb letter.
SIR ELTON wishes he was as funny as Dave Eggers.
Get The Chronicle straight to your inbox
Signup for our weekly newsletter. Cancel at any time.