SIR ELTON feels pathetic

Another week and 14 more diary entries have SIR ELTON all cried out. SIR ELTON makes sure to write an entry every morning and every night to maximize conveyance of pathetic feelings of vulnerability.

SIR ELTON thinks Prozac sales are going to skyrocket as midterm week ended with depressed test-bombers moping everywhere. Fortunately, SIR ELTON’s midterms were curved to athletes’ scores so he didn’t do so badly. SIR ELTON appreciated the return of people to the gym near the end of the week as they tried to make themselves feel better by working out. Don’t worry people, SIR ELTON noticed, and he’s laughing at you right now. The exceptions of course are the girls who pretend like they can get any studying done while running, or that they can pass off that they are working out when they’re motionless on the bike reading.

SIR ELTON was amazed at the groundswell of support for making the campus more biker friendly. Now some of the bikers’ complaints seem reasonable, but complaining about having to breathe in bus fumes for five minutes during the ride is just going too far when SIR ELTON has to smell people who forgot that classrooms can be stuffy. Even Captain Planet wears Old Spice, dude. Of course not everyone bikes to save the environment; some people just want to get exercise. These are the same people that were still running everywhere 30 years after horses were invented.

But bikers aren’t the only activists on campus. SIR ELTON was extremely offended that Duke for Kerry is getting funds from DSG. Then SIR ELTON heard that DSG is going to buy kegs, too, and he thought DSG should have given the beer to Duke for Kerry. Then the Republicans could request DSG funds to buy cocaine to emulate their candidate. It makes sense considering that you’d have to be on some kind of mind-altering drug to really like either candidate.

Now that e-mail is emergency-only, SIR ELTON was a little surprised to get a personal e-mail from Coach Ted Roof (SIR ELTON’s e-mail is students-undergrad-all@duke.edu) begging people to come to games. Apparently low football attendance is as serious as armed robbery. But SIR ELTON felt extra safe when he saw that the cops roaming the tailgate area after the game had started charging people with not having the Blue Devil spirit to actually attend the game. But it’s understandable that Coach Roof would be a little worried about student support, after all this is the only school where when the team talks about the 12th man cheering them on they literally mean the one guy that showed up. SIR ELTON was pretty annoyed to have to move his car out of the Blue Zone to accommodate football fans, mostly because there’s just no way they need the whole lot. If Duke needs to empty out a parking lot big enough to fit all the people coming to a game, SIR ELTON suggests that they just clear out the fire lane outside Wannamaker. It can fit a few cars and a Segway, right?

SIR ELTON is getting kind of irritated with all the class barbecues going on all the time, too. The administration always gets his hopes up with pipe dreams of magnificent feasts of sumptuous steak and turkey. Instead, he gets nasty food from these turkeys. Oh sorry, SIR ELTON is supposed to be working on his English grammar. He finds this unpleasant situation most discouraging, especially when he deliberates it over a spot of tea. Nonetheless, SIR ELTON makes the lonely three minute walk to the quad expecting a veritable smorgasbord of American delights, and what does he find but stringy chicken and a cardboard roll? Can SIR ELTON get a decent portion of quality chicken? Since when is the Bojangles tailgate special the high standard in food quality? Probably since the Great Hall opened its doors.

Although SIR ELTON doesn’t always make it to the cool parties on time, he’s always sure to be there just as they get raided by DUPD. He’s not sure the resident coordinators appreciate the irony as much as he does (SIR ELTON has a sixth sense for irony), but it sure is going to be funny when people start getting mugged on their way to off-campus parties. Devil daily might as well tell freshmen to walk into Duke forest at midnight.