Self-awareness is a virtue

SIR ELTON realizes he loves to talk himself up in this column, psychoanalyze himself for the sake of no other than himself. However, this is the only semblance of therapy he has anymore, because he doesn’t have the tri-weekly therapy sessions he had back home. Because despite the extreme poverty and hunger SIR ELTON has implied he lived in, therapy was plentiful. This is because therapy was the only foreign aid given to them by the United States to help them deal with their starving and hopeless lives. Hey, if it can help Duke students deal with hurricanes, why not? SIR ELTON hopes to give something back to his home country, once he breeds into the US. like a rabbit on Viagra and forces his progeny into a deceitful and strangely satisfying life of politics. Then he can undermine the actual goals of the American government and use tax dollars to feed his home millions in foreign aid, mostly in the form of Hilary Duff films and wholesale toilet paper. Okay, so that idea was mostly stolen from The Manchurian Candidate, but it sounds just as dumb when someone claims that’s what Jews are doing.

But no matter if you’re anti-Semitic in the traditional sense or in any other sense, and apparently if you have an opinion about Israel you’re either one or the other, just remember the enemy is always the capitalist villain who opposes filesharing. As long as SIR ELTON can get free Elton John music (who else?) from his nearest online neighbor, communism rules. Share the wealth, jail the opposers and reward the opposees. SIR ELTON knows what you’re thinking, opposees isn’t a word, but you’re wrong. It’s an SAT word. Anyway, to SIR ELTON’s knowledge, as the administration cracks down on online programs such as Kazaa, file sharing has become frighteningly tangible. He sees pairs of freshmen sharing single sets of headphones like Siamese twins connected at the ear. That has got to be a health risk, right? Whether SIR ELTON made that part up or not does not detract his point that students will find new ways to share music. Communism is in our blood, right comrades?

SIR ELTON thinks bands should start on studio time too by only recording the first 15 seconds of a song and then looping it, since it’s not like anyone would ever be able to find a full version on Kazaa even if there was one. SIR ELTON expects that in the future Pepsi will have to use two entire Britney Spears songs as background music for their commercials. Fortunately no one will be able to tell when one ends and the other begins.

With all these robberies going on, SIR ELTON is actually kind of happy. Now he has an acceptable excuse not to visit those “friends” in Edens who were kind of getting on his nerves. Let’s face it, if a real friend really lived that far away, would he really expect you to still visit him? From now on SIR ELTON refuses to distinguish between friends studying abroad and friends in Edens.

Not that SIR ELTON is scared of making the trip, considering the massively increased police protection. SIR ELTON suspects that President Richard Brodhead got a hot tip about U.S. News including a police-to-student ratio in next year’s issue, in which case Duke could really make some gains. Still, SIR ELTON has to ask, where are the police in the Great Hall? Let’s face it, $4 for a bowl of cottage cheese is robbery in anyone’s book. No one that actually lived in a cottage could afford it at those prices. Oh well, the police can’t be expected to do everything. SIR ELTON suggests that the administration stop being girly-men and just declare martial law and get started installing those cameras in front of every dorm. If people would just stop walking around alone in poorly lit areas, like West Campus at night, then maybe there’d be less crime. SIR ELTON thinks it’s probably a bad sign when police officers feel the need to walk around in pairs too. Last weekend, SIR ELTON even saw one calling SafeRides. Of course, the officer was male, so he got rejected, because a real man wouldn’t be afraid of a little gunpoint robberyage.

SIR ELTON hopes double-ply toilet paper is the first order of business for the new President.