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Warning: contains spoilers

The beginning of the school year is always a bit of a frightening time. Freshmen, wandering around aimlessly, lost on campus with parents cramping their style. Seniors, wandering around aimlessly, realizing that maybe classes have started and they should put on some pants. Yes, the start of any year can be a bit disorienting, and nothing’s scarier than uncertainty. What will my classes be like? Will I meet new people this year? Will this next batch of Dillo queso be the one that kills me? Thankfully, ladies and gents, there’s no need to flip out because yours truly is providing all the answers. (For example, the answers to the above questions are “Borings”, “Nos” and “Either Way, I’d Be Close To A Bathroom If I Were You”). Let us gaze into the crystal ball…

FEARLESS PREDICTION: New President Dick “I’ve Heard All The Phallic Jokes Already at Yale, Thanks” Brodhead immediately proves himself as a students’ President by engaging student groups, promoting campus unity, and doing a bitchin’ 63 second kegstand.

FEARLESS PREDICTION: After years of oppression, a long-suffering group who used to have a homeland finally declares independence when it is granted their own piece of real estate. It is shortlived, however, as the fraternities rejoin campus when they find out that piece of real estate is Edens. (In a related FEARLESS PREDICTION, Israelis and Palestinians keep shooting each other for NO LOGICAL REASON.)

FEARLESS PREDICTION: After tearing down goalposts in 2002 (first win in forever) and 2003 (first ACC win in forever), Duke Football fans do it again in 2004 (Blue Devil mascot kicks UNC ram’s ass for suckerpunch two years ago).

FEARLESS PREDICTION: This is the year Britney does Playboy. I can FEEL it.

FEARLESS PREDICTION: A printout of Andrew Humphries’ e-mail to Coach K is enshrined in Cameron… next to the battered corpse of the first student who thought it’d be cute to start an “An-drew Hum-phries! clap clap clapclapclap” chant.

FEARLESS PREDICTION: Duke announces another major funding drive to follow the $2 billion “Campaign for Duke”. The drive hits its goal after only three months when it’s decided that parking tickets can count towards the amount.

FEARLESS PREDICTION: Either Bush or Kerry is going to win the election in November, and either Bush or Kerry is going to make a really sucky President. Nonetheless, young voters turn out in record numbers because Bono told them to. I mean c’mon, it’s BONO. The guy wrote “Sunday Bloody Sunday”, for crying out loud. Hell, I’d follow him into a minefield in a Chevy Vega. Let’s just not forget the most important thing about this year’s election though: John Edwards’ hair.

FEARLESS PREDICTION: Speaking of hair, mutton-chop sideburns make a huge comeback, replacing the popped collar for “stupid fashion that most compels you to just slap a frat boy”.

FEARLESS PREDICTION: Taking a cue from the successful iPod promotion, Duke announces that incoming Duke freshmen will all receive free BMWs. As compensation, rising Duke seniors each receive a free “Little Tree” Air Freshener.

FEARLESS PREDICTION: Finally, in yet another example of the horrible way big money is destroying college integrity, two AB Duke scholars decide to go pro after their freshman year. One of them gets a major endorsement deal with Texas Instruments and lands two grants in her rookie year, but the other fades into mediocrity and depression after blowing his signing bonus on beer and a set of 20-inch spinning rims. Engineering Dean Kristina Johnson is spotted on campus walking around in a depressed fog and muttering “damn, it’s WAY too late in the recruiting season to land another BME.”

Remember: I take no responsibility for the way these fearless predictions change your life. I only ask that I receive a small portion, 5 percent sounds fair, of any gambling profit you make by having this incredible foresight handed to you. And of course, use this knowledge for good, and not evil… unless the hot chick you meet at the club tonight thinks the whole “evil” thing is sexy, in which case, knock yourself out!

 

Matt Detura is a Trinity senior. His column appears on Fridays.

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