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'A nonsensical, Seinfeldian rant'

After a long summer vacation traversing the Savannah plains (or is it plain Savannahs?), SIR ELTON had forgotten how much class sucks. At 8:30 a.m. a month ago, SIR ELTON was laying out in his hammock, jamming out on his ukulele. Of course it was 1:30 p.m. over in that time zone, where time stays away from the irksome morning. Now, SIR ELTON is back in the states, and even an uncomfortable mattress in a tiny inferno of a room seems heavenly in comparison to 8:30 class. He rolls out of his bed only to roll back in for that extra minute (maybe two? Please?) before trudging to that useless class that HAD to demand attendance at the cost of your precious grade. On the bright side, if your roommate has that early class and wakes you up, after he leaves you can totally take advantage of that morning wood (maybe twice? Please?).

SIR ELTON is going to enjoy using this column as a weekly therapy session, but he was still wondering what else he could do with it. As much as he wanted to stay away from a gossip column, he had to report that he heard a certain Lindsay Lohan was dating Michael Moore, which seems like a perfect pair since they have the same size breasts. A sex column was also a possibility but then SIR ELTON realized all his advice would be straight out of the horse’s mouth, and by horse he means the old lady from Sunday Night Sex Show. After unsuccessfully entertaining some other ideas, such as educating the public on international affairs, the consensus was to settle for a nonsensical, Seinfeldian rant against things that are all the rage to complain about even though they don’t really matter. Like iPods…

What’s the deal with iPods? SIR ELTON thinks that it is a great invention for listening to folk music, although paying 99 cents per song can get a little pricey on that third world pocketbook. It’s also great for when SIR ELTON is trying to get a little exercise, so he can listen to some seizure-inducing techno to keep the lactic acid pumping. Hmm… what else is there to say about iPods? I’m blank, like Keanu Reeves.

Speaking of Neo, SIR ELTON was trying to fiddle with his academic requirements with the new matrix and found himself to be as freshmen looking for fun (in the popular form of alcohol) who end up at a Sig Ep party. What happened to the simple graphical interface of yesteryear? Now SIR ELTON has no idea how many CCIs, STSs or TPSs he needs to be a good human being.

Though it is nice to know that all it takes to be well rounded is a little mandatory cross-cultural inquiry and foreign language. SIR ELTON guesses he could try to make sense of it if he took the printout to the cryptography department, but they’re too busy decoding that other matrix. Sorry, last Matrix joke. That one wasn’t even funny.

SIR ELTON hopes everyone is having an easy time readjusting to dorm life. He knows to discuss the important issue that is at the tip of everyone’s tongue: bathrooms. He hopes bathrooms are not literally at the tip of everyone’s tongues, because SIR ELTON doesn’t think that’s hygienic, and he’s foreign. Within a week of collegiate living, he is fortunate enough to have a hallway that is emphatic about toilet sanitation. Already they have designated the #1 toilet, the #2 toilet, and the #3 toilet (a.k.a. the bulimic vomiting toilet). SIR ELTON thinks it is generally a good idea, but doesn’t really see the point since it is a guy’s bathroom.

Anyway, when the alarm wakes you up for that 8:30 class, remember that class is an option. President Bush didn’t go to class and look where he is now. That is not a political statement since SIR ELTON is too ignorant to have political views of his own. Fortunately, there is always Bill O’Reilly. But who wants to end a column with political jokes. SIR ELTON thinks he might have thrown out the masturbation joke too early.


SIR ELTON think “cross-cultural inquiry” sounds like a euphemism for sex.


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