Commentary: Dating after Duke

If you were only to meet the girls Hank had dated/hooked-up with without meeting Hank, you would expect him to be a four-star stud. In terms of both quality and quantity, Hank did better than almost any guy on campus, without ever selling his soul by taking the loathed title of boyfriend. Based on his all-star list of girls, you would expect him to have rippling muscles, a Crest White Strip-smile and perhaps a retired Duke basketball jersey.

  

 In reality, Hank is a scrawny guy who still has a bowl cut. What he has going for him is that he is exceptionally friendly, belongs to a cool fraternity, and--most importantly--competes only with other Duke guys. As it is impossible to judge oneself objectively, Hank, like so many Duke guys, evaluates his stud status based on his hook-up history.   

 In Hank's case, excellent hook-ups equals Huge Stud.

  

 As his best girlfriend, this self-labeling was starting to wear on Maddy. As had become customary, Hank was bad-mouthing one of his ex's (also Maddy's roommate's) current boyfriend over Japan Express. Maddy refers to the following interaction, in which she confronts this Duke-bred self-misidentification, as the Fallout of 2002.

  

 "He's ugly," Hank complained. "What is she doing with him?"

  

 "Then why don't we go out on the street and take a survey?" Maddy exploded, stood up and proceeded to walk a mile home from the restaurant. She had made her point. Hank finally talked to her three months later, having accepted that Maddy's delusional outburst must have been due to PMS.

  

 Like Hank, many Duke guys have reaped the benefit of Duke Goggles (like beer goggles in that they make someone who might not otherwise be attractive seem incredibly attractive, but different in that they work anytime you are in the Gothic Wonderland, not just when you are intoxicated). It's all about relativism. The hunky football captain from high school who could get card-holding lesbians to lust after him simply does not attend Duke. (In all fairness to guys, the blond cheerleader who made you feel brilliant for knowing how to work the vending machine probably does not go here either.)

  

 After four years here, we have finally reconciled ourselves to the mind-blowing fact that there are people here who you could see yourself dating post-Duke that you wouldn't consider dating now, and people who you date now who you would sooner take a job in middle school counseling than date in the real world.

  

 Duke students live in a world of resumes. They got here by having strong on-paper qualifications, found themselves among others with similarly muscular resumes and then learned how to better advertise themselves over the paper media. Sometimes it is simply too much to ask to separate internship-finding strategies from dating strategies.

But it is important to note that the qualities most valued at Duke are not necessarily those most valued in life. A dating checklist at Duke might go something like this: Academic accomplishment (check!), membership in socially desirable group (check!), athlete (bonus!), prominent social leader (check!)... and you have yourself a new love interest. Never mind that the kid resembles Screech from Saved by the Bell: The College Years and has a serious sinus problem. The problem with "Good on Paper" is that it masks bad in other (often more important) areas. Blame it on the good fraternity theory.

  

 As a general rule, Duke girls spend entirely too much time comforting themselves by envisioning how the tables will turn post-graduation and Duke guys--who stupidly do not appreciate the duchesses surrounding them--will never have a shot at such wonderful catches again. "Just wait 'til after Duke"--accompanied with an eye role--is the oft-repeated female mantra. But is that even true, or will karma forsake us?

  

 Two such Duke girls discussed over big, steaming bowls of hot and sour.

  

 "What are these guys going to do when they can't just say, 'Hook up with me, I'm a Delta Sig'?" Ashley asked.

  

 "How bout, 'Hook up with me, I work for Goldman'?" Sidney said.

Sidney did not completely buy into the whole Duke-girls-are-the-best-thing-to-ever-happen-to-Duke-guys-and-they-just-won't-realize-it-until-they-graduate argument. Although the former part of that statement was irrefutable and even more certain is the fact that they do not realize this now, Sid seriously doubted that they would realize it in the future either.

  

 "They are going to graduate from Duke, have mad MMP [money-making potential] and cute girls from state schools who don't really care that they are a little socially awkward and still play video games are going to swoon," she said not bitterly but rather with resignation. "They are still going to think they are catches, and, hell, they just might be right."

  

 Whitney Beckett is a Trinity senior. Her column appears every other Friday.