Following President Nan Keohane's announcement that she will step down in June 2004, the committee in charge of finding a replacement has wasted no time. This past week, it sent a questionnaire to several top candidates both inside and outside academia.
Besides the queries about sex, race, feelings about race, feelings about sex, feelings about others' feelings about race and sex, and Social Security Number, the form included one other subjective question: "Why do you feel you should be Duke University's next Presdient [sic]?"
A few were rejected right away based on their answers, and in our first-ever scoop of The Wall Street Journal, The Chronicle has obtained the names and responses of some of the first rejectees:
Larry Moneta: "A is for alcohol, of which there will be none. B is for boring, it's the absence of fun! C is for chop off, which is what will happen to your head if you tickle me again."
Bob Keohane: "It takes a village to run Duke. I am that village."
Olsen twins: "We can solve The Case of the Sex-starved Independent!"
Jeremy Morgan: "I'm sure I could be president of the University and head of the Medical Center at the same time - I'm very good at time management."
Bill Clinton: "You didn't know me '91, bet you know me now. I'm the young Harlem [former Rhodes Scholar] with the Goldie sound. Can't no Ph.D. [academics] hold me down."
Peter Lange: "I believe I could rise to the occasion."
Laura Whitehorn: "You have a lovely chapel. You like your chapel, right?"
Bill English: "At long last, I pledge to rid the University of Marxists, socialists and their ultra-left kin, while simultaneously pledging to remain open to all forms of opinions."
Unidentified Duke Conservative Union member: "What he said."
Unidentified Peaceville protester: "Up with diversity, down with adversity. Up with divestment, down with harassment."
Richard Kay: "I'll make the lemur-to-student ratio at this school skyrocket."
George W. Bush: "I feel the best thing for me is to be as far away from alcohol as possible."
William Chafe: "I will bring presents for all the wonderful boys and girls."
Mike Krzyzewski: "C'mon, I already run this school - may as well make it official."
Trent Lott: "Affirmative action is a big issue. Elect me, and you won't be having all these problems."
Bill Burig: "I'm very popular among the students here. Well, the sophomores at least."
Lawrence Summers: "Hnh, get me out of this place. Hee hee, wait, wait. Please pick me. Haaa, ha ha haaaaa."
The Hamburgler: "I love a good pickle."
C. J. Walsh: "Why, no one has a more positive body image than me. And I pledge to make cable television mandatory for every student."
Satan: "I will exalted sit, by merit raised to your bad eminence. Better to reign at Duke, then serve as head of academic affairs at MIT."
The Chronicle's Editorial Board members would also like to make it official that they are not applying for the presidency of Duke. This is, by the way, all a joke in good fun. Have a great spring break!
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