Column: Southpaw-U

Poor Jay Williams, pity him and his millions. Instead of leading the Blue Devils, he's wearing red, black and white. Against the San Antonio Spurs, Tony Parker popped some jumpers in his eye. A Frenchman scoring at will against our beloved hero, Quelle dommage! Meanwhile, we are the lucky ones, returning for another semester at our liberal paradise, situated 10 miles from another bastion of leftist thought.

Having spent far too long away from this bubble, it's time for me to get back to the thing this university does best, being liberal. It's also time for people to stop bashing it for being such. In fact, for the rest of the semester The Chronicle shouldn't have to waste a drop of ink more on a sentence deriding Duke for hanging off the left side of the diving board. Too many people waste their words attacking professors for having hearts, while these letter-writers pursue or train to attain the almighty dollar.

Of course a University will consist of mostly liberal faculty. Looking back at the 18 professors who have guided me through my courses here, only five of them could have gotten jobs as waitresses, plumbers or garbage men (the latter two unionized, of course). Those professions pay more handsomely than the initial post-doc years and likely the years after. As for the other 13 not skilled enough to optimally pursue those posts, well, they'd probably be leading marches through the streets and waving red flags since they're all so lazy and unskilled. See, you nutty Helms lovers, it's a good thing they are dedicated to educating the next crop of Castros.

When these Fidel Jrs. themselves become professors, tree huggers or--possibly worse--Peace Corps volunteers, they too will spread the doctrine of the left. What a shame that will be, when people become interested in the world and its people outside the United States as a result of the "constant brainwashing" experienced in the classroom. God forbid that these institutions should teach their students to engage non-citizens in a conversation rather than lock them away, a lesson that might be well heeded by Attorney General John Ashcroft and his band of merry jailors.

Duke should give up the current masquerade that it tolerates conservative thought. With the current renovations occurring, the University should go full-blown liberal. Let's build a hippie commune. Fat doobies everywhere, Noam Chomsky as required freshman reading and Allen Ginsberg readings every night.

If that plan were enacted, Duke would achieve the utopian society it so strives to be and no one would be able to write any more letters to this paper, which will be called The Daily Worker, complaining about the political leanings of the staff, which are unfounded in the first place, as I once met a professor who promoted the free market and another who made me take an exam on May 1. Now I'm starting to sound like these whiners as I carry on about them; I really wanted to do a thinkpiece on the merits of Snackpacks vs. home-made pudding, but couldn't fit that into 900 words. Excuse me for digressing. The simple trend remains that professors tend to be liberal because not all tend to cherish the same things as the conservative nation we inhabit. They use a separate currency: publications! It's not their fault that they are more enlightened than those who whine about their leanings.

We've got the rest of our lives to crawl into a shell that rolls ever to the right. Let's enjoy these views, debate substantively but not carry on about the University being liberal-most are. If you truly hate that, I suggest you try Bob Jones or Oral Roberts for a truly "well-rounded" education.

At this campus as elsewhere people hold values for mostly good reasons. Liberals are not as wishy-washy as some portray them and at the same time conservatives are not as heartless and greedy as others purport. Too much time is wasted on whining about the other side rather than engaging. So enjoy the debates here--specifically basking in the liberalism that tends to emanate from a university--and stop whining.