THE SECOND GUNMAN starts a miniseries

So Nan read the column about my day as Coach K and left me a voice mail.

She said, "SECOND GUNMAN, I want you to write about me, or I'll close the Hideaway forever." She leaves me no choice. Without the Hideaway, there's no way for freshmen like me to get wrecked. So here I am, following her around. She bribed me nicely though. I got a dean's excuse for missing my classes, a free ice cream cone from Sysco (formerly Breyers), and I got to kick Bill Burig in the teeth.

In order to document President Keohane's entire day, I spent the night before at her crib. Not so bad, but it really creeped me out when she kept refilling my wine glass and asking if I wanted to be head line monitor next year.

5:00 a.m. The alarm clock goes off, playing the theme song from Chip & Dale's Rescue Rangers. Presidents sure must work hard to wake up this early. While practicing hygiene, I notice that Nan uses Duke brand toothpaste. Must be a perk of being president, free condiments. Or is toothpaste a toiletry? I can never remember.

5:17 a.m. I put on my trench coat, my best polo shirt and my shorts with the lobsters on them. Strangely, I feel as if we're on a date.

5:30 a.m. On the way to campus, we stop in the dirt lot. She tells me that as assistant president, I will need a car. Suddenly, I realize that I'm about to be in the crime briefs. I pick out a crappy '93 Civic and chuck a rock through the passenger window, causing $100 in damage. Now I am the proud owner of the $24 car and its contents: $200 Kenwood CD player, eight CDs totaling $80 and two candy bars, totaling $2.

6:00 a.m. Nan's driving really fast, and I'm having a hard time keeping up with her Corvette. I finally catch up with her at Sam's Quick Shop on Erwin. I run into the store to find her at the counter, corporate Visa in hand, showing her ID to the cashier. On the counter are countless 40 ounce bottles of Schlitz Malt Liquor, an unlabeled keg, a pack of Black & Milds and 12 bags of pork rinds. As I help her carry it all to her car, I try to explain that MLT is a Thursday thing, hence the "T". She mentions something about Dean Sue's birthday party and that it might be bad if her probation officer sees this.

6:45 a.m. We arrive on campus and are greeted by maintenance staff, ready to carry the beer into the Chapel. Nan passes out $5 to each one as a tip. It's the fastest I have seen those guys move in my five years here. I ask where the money comes from, then rescind my question when I recall the latest tuition bill. When Nan realizes that she forgot some things, she sends me to Kroger. "Get a few cans of EZ Cheese, a box of Twinkies and be sure to try the free pizza samples." Odd that she knows what samples they have today. Maybe she's more powerful than she lets on. The rest of this column will be written in the past tense, because it's easier.

4:12 p.m. They asked me if I wanted to taste a free sample of microwaveable pizza, and that's the last thing I remember. I woke up in a coin laundromat with a raging headache and a person of questionable gender named Jesus at my side. We'll assume that Jesus is male. "He" was laughing at my notebook, which I had been using to record the day's events. I groggily shook myself awake and leaned over to see what was so damn funny. Jesus put a hand on my thigh and started nibbling my earlobe, at which point I stood up and said, "I got a man." Jesus replied with "whacha your man got to do with me?" I'll spare you the rest of this.

4:31 p.m. I had to beat Jesus to death with his own shoes. He told me I could have my notebook back if I pried it from his cold, dead fingers. I willingly complied. Inside I found multiple pages filled mostly with nude sketches of Ralph Wiggum. Some of them also included Groundskeeper Willie doing bad things, but I won't go into that. My favorite sketch pictured a much older, pot bellied Ralph dressed in a white shirt and tie. He was teaching a CPS 6 lecture and holding a laser pointer. As I thought back to my time in CPS 6.... Scary.

4:63 p.m. Some people refer to this time of day as 5:03, but not me. I returned to campus in search of my fearless leader. I found her in the Yoh Football Center, surrounded by Gatorade coolers. There were four coolers, one for each quarter. I hid behind the soda machine and watched as she dumped a handle of Everclear into the cooler marked "4th Quarter." This explains quite a bit, like how 24-10 became 34-31 so quickly. As Nan turned around, her eyes widened in fear. "SECOND GUNMAN, you must swear to never tell anyone about this. I could lose my job."

I swear.

To be continued next week....

Nikyatu Jusu escaped my wrath for another week.


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