Column: THE SECOND GUNMAN salutes YOU, Mr. Budweiser Man

Before we get started today, I would like to point out that our men's and women's basketball teams outscored ECU and Army by a total score of 209-99. And the football team beat UNC by -2.

THE SECOND GUNMAN[1] would like to recognize the one group on campus that has successfully cut across all gender, racial, and[2] ethnic barriers to present a unified student body. Yes I am sure the answer is clear to you right now. That one category that includes almost all Duke students. Perhaps right now you are thinking the "people" or "human" group is a unifying theme among students, but sadly recent investigations have shown that there may be a few well-disguised androids running around out there under the evil administration's control.

A few of these may not be surprising, namely upper-level DSG members, the people in charge of opening Subway, and folks like Nan who seem to drift in and out of their evil powers every once in a while surprising us and doing something wonderful. We suspect that many people, such as popular columnist Faran Krentcil, were experiments gone bad and are just let out of their cages and cycled through the University every few years. Later on in life they are trained to teach intro-level courses and be on student life committees. If your existence sucked as much as theirs you would also be bitter with the student body.

So if it isn't the "human" group, maybe it is the "student" group. We are all students, right? Whoa, hey, that's strike number two. Evidence suggests two key arguments against the "student" group. Have you seen the number of BMWs, SUVs[3] and BMW SUVs on campus? These "students'" applications went through "admissions" (wait you thought the fact that by 12th grade you could color in the lines got you into Duke?) and these people could probably almost read their acceptance letters on their own. Duke, it's a four letter word; most people can spell it with practice.

The second stronghold of evidence here is that Duke has sororities. This by itself doesn't constitute much, but the fact that they participate in "Derby Days"[4] where they try to eat as much "FroYo"[5] as possible is a paramount piece of evidence in this situation. Quite frankly people, the FroYo situation is out of control. FroYo should not be confused with parfait, however. Ain't nobody ever say, "Hell no, I don't want no parfait."

So now that you've realized that this week's column may require more thinking than paying attention in class would have. Here is the answer: The Alcohol Consumption Group. The ACG[6] almost without fail will bring two different students together. The ACG discriminates against no one. The ACG cuts through racial and ethnic barriers and with a healthy amount of ACG you can even conquer the language barrier. It is for this reason that THE SECOND GUNMAN has decided that it is time to bring DDAMM[7] to Duke to help ease that language barrier between you[8] and your orgo TA. This is also why the Second Gunman is introducing his own special brew, available only to ACG members.

In other news THE SECOND GUNMAN would like send a shout out to the Wolf Cartoon, for getting on the make-fun-or-Faran train. Also, THE SECOND GUNMAN would like to congratulate the Blazing Sea Nuggets for carrying on the Larry Moneta fun and, speaking of which, Larry thanks for everything: the construction at 7 a.m., an ugly WEL, Subway three months later, the debacle of the student village and the astounding success of the independent corridor. The only job left for you to screw up around here is the Durham Police Chief.

THE SECOND GUNMAN was completely and totally disgusted by the freshman tenters outside Cameron Friday night. It would be fitting for the Victory Bell to run over those morons on its way back to Chapel Hill. THE SECOND GUNMAN would also like to alert the public that no less than four times did the Cable 13 basketball announcer proclaim that he had "mad love" for Army. Other gems thrown out there included "The Johnson's out of the cage" and an anecdote about the time that Shane Battier sat on his face, which qualified as one of his favorite all time college memories. I know I get to make s--- up and make you laugh, but this announcer made my life that much easier and at the end of the Monday, Monday season that is a wonderful thing.

THE SECOND GUNMAN would like to apologize to anyone who saw me on DevilTime.

[1] Humor columnist for The Chronicle, also STONE COLD's little brother.

[2] "And" is a word.

[3] No sports utility vehicles are actually used as sports utility vehicles. The time you drove up on the curb was not off-roading, that was just poor driving.

[4] Derby Days: Sigma Chi once again proving that anyone can act like an idiot in a bowler hat and guys should not be proud of their beer bellies.

[5] "FroYo": Two large words containing numerous hard to remember second-half-of-the-alphabet letters, made into one small word for those of us who are having brain cell difficulties.

[6] Alcohol Consumption Group.

[7] Drunk Drivers Against Madd Mothers.

[8] You're just a girl from South Dakota, so you only speak English (and a little Spanish).


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