CHECK YES NO OR MAYBE
"Hello? Oh. Yeah, no it's not a bad time, I just didn't expect a call from you. Great, I was wondering if I'd left that at your place. Tuesday? I'll be in the library all night. No, not Friday either...look, what happened Saturday was fun and all but I've got orgo this year and studying for MCATs and I'm just wouldn't have time to even beginâ_|OK well, will I see you at George's tomorrow?"
SEX DISCRIMINATION
"Let's go back to your room."
"OK, we can catch the next bus."
"Wait--you're not in the frat?"
"No, I just know some of the guys so I came to their party. I live in Tre--hey, don't just walk away!"
PADDING THE PORTFOLIO
"You seal the deal after you left George's?"
"Hell yeah, but it cost me a $70 bar tab. But bro, she was worth every penny--did you see that little black thing she had on? And get this, I think she was a virgin."
"No way! I saw the way she was dancing out there."
"It's an act. Clothes come off and its like junior high all over again. And the best part is, when I dropped her off at the house party later that night"
POOR THING
"So they pull up in his little Beemer, and we're all on the porch. She goes to kiss him and he just revvs the engine and peels right out leaving her standing in the driveway. It was so loud that we all looked over and it was so obvious. Poor thing, I think that was her first time."
"The guys at this school are such assholes."
"She's the bigger asshole, for letting him crap all over her."
"How could you say that? He took advantage of her!"
"It's not like he tried to hide his intentions. And with that little black thing on--did she think she was going to pick up a husband at the meat market?"
INSTANT BOOTYCALLER
GODukDvl04: i'm bored. want to hook up? jk
BakedGirlyPie: ok. meet at perkins stacks, i know how to get on the roof
GODukDvl04: lol :)
BakedGirlyPie: dork. you down or what? midnite
GODukDvl04: what game is this, sex chicken?
THEOLOGICAL DEBATE ON A LIBRARY DESK
"Fornication=Damnation!"
"Then if you stay at Duke, you'll probably go to heaven."
"But Tri Delts all go straight to hell! Sluts! SAE rules!"
"is gay."
POOL? OR PUDDLE
"No, that guy's not gay. He just bought all his clothes when he was abroad. Trust me, I know every fag at this school and if I haven't slept with him yet, it's not going to happen. They're all bottoms, anyways."
"Well there are even fewer girls who are down with a chick. And I scare the guys here--I have to go to Raleigh if I ever want to meet a man. And if I do, two weeks of bedding down and they're all 'I'm not ready for a commitment.' Month later and they're engaged or something--you figure it out."
"I need a man. You could go either way. I wish you had a penis."
"Awww, honey. I'd be your top."
WE SHOULD WAIT
"Come on, it's not like this would be your first."
"I'm a born-again virgin. I had way too much sex freshman year."
"Well, I didn't have any sex freshman year and I need to make up for lost time. We're mature adults here--we get naked, we do this that and a little of those, and we're both thinking about it, and both wanting it."
"Speak for yourself. You men and your orgasms."
"Like you don't."
"Nope, never not once."
"What a repressive culture, where our women are so psychologically stunted that they can't experience full pleasure! Hey, baby, I could change all that."
"Doubtful. Go ahead, blame society. Maybe I just don't like sex. We could just date, you know. Dinners, movies--""
"You mean, like go off campus? Seems a little extreme..."
MYHTHS EXPLODED
"Studly! What was it like to sleep with a black girl?"
"Well, you ever slept with a white girl?"
"Haha, yeah why?"
"It was kind of like that. Only this girl was black."
BAD IDEA
"We shouldn't have done that."
"Why? I thought it went pretty well.
"Iâ_|just wasn't thinking. That was so stupid."
"We weren't thinking. We were just, like, feeling, know what I mean?"
"Shut up, it's not funny. This will change everything. And I don't mean that this will happen all the time now."
"So if it never happens again, we can pretend like it never happened the first time. Best friends can handle anything."
IF YOU WANNA GET A JOB DONE
"Is it me, or did our parent's generation have way more sex than we do now?"
"They sang songs about free love and had revolutions and slept with mind-expanding amounts of people. Now there are promise rings and gender initiatives and everyone on TV does it way more than anyone in real life. But we all talk about it, talking talking all the time, and does anyone else just not care that much anymore?"
"My therapist told me to get a vibrator."
"Oooh, is it cute?"
"Uh huh, pink. Spectacular. Never slept better."
Greg Bloom is a Trinity senior and a senior editor for Recess. His column appears every third Tuesday.
Get The Chronicle straight to your inbox
Signup for our weekly newsletter. Cancel at any time.