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Column: The second gunman writes like a girl

Chronicle columnist Karan Pentcil (name changed to protect the innocent) didn't get enough of her crap into the paper last Friday, so she asked THE SECOND GUNMAN for a favor. I was too lazy to write any funny stuff for today, so it helps me out too. We're symbiotic like that. Besides, the editors are too busy sorting through Nick Christie's hate mail to even read what I write. And who needs humor when there's Cosmo to read?

Okay, so, like, you're dating this cute guy, and he just invited you to join him for a weekend at his home in South Carolina. He tells you that you will be attending, among other things, a family dinner and a NASCAR race.

You're very excited, but you're a Northerner with a big dilemma: what to wear? Ladies, I'm here to help. I've dated, like, tons (most) of the cute boys from the South, so no Duke girl knows dressing southern better than I do. I probably couldn't get any more Southern without marrying a cousin or brother.

The first thing you need to do is, you guessed it, get out your MasterCard. The one tied to Daddy's account. You'll be needing lots of new clothing, so e-mail your sorority list and ask to borrow someone's Jeep Grand Cherokee if the trunk of your Jetta is still filled with boxes of wine. This ensures that you will have at least two "sisters" to accompany you to the bathroom at all times. If you tip the Starbucks peon who makes your $7 cafe mocha chocolatte, you can even submit it to the Annual Review as community service.

For the NASCAR race, he'll surely be wearing his track gear. This is no ordinary shopping trip. Vicki's and J. Crew will have to wait. You should know that South Carolina is serious about their sports. Keep the rabid fans on your side with a white and red "YOU CAN'T LICK OUR COCKS" tee. It shows that you have spunk.

For the rest of your outfit, just follow your nose. The aroma of freshly chewed Skoal usually leads to the finest racing gear, and you definitely want to look your best. This means Dale Earnhardt. He was some important driver guy who died last year. And nothing shows respect for the dead like a leather #3 pit crew jacket with embroidered Chevy bowtie. Add some gold #3 earrings and you'll be the talk of the track, no doubt.

Your boy will be proud to have you at his side. Just be sure to wear your Prada jeans. And pack your Marlboro Reds. Sure, the lights get you by at Duke, but these Southerners take the war on lungs seriously. While you're at the mall, pick out some cute temporary tattoos. A nice barbed wire around the upper arm, or bicep (as the boys call it), adds a redneck touch. If you really want to go all out, peel back the bitch pants and get Old Glory plastered on your ass. Me, I'll stop at the first one. A nice pair of sunglasses should complete the ensemble. Look for something classy, preferably with a single, rainbow-coloured (British spellings are so charming) lens.

Now it's time to go home and meet the family. If they live in a trailer, be sure to tell dad how great his mullet looks, especially with that earring and wallet chain. And wear your NASCAR stuff for the whole weekend to demonstrate your dedication. If they don't live in a trailer, then try to impress his mother by showing what a cute Southern belle you are.

This means white dresses. You and I both know you're no virgin, so sell it like beer on points. Actually, most of Duke knows as well. Too bad your p-frosh had to see that. But you still have to pull the dresses off. Any white dress will do, but try to tuck in that butt. You know you broke the diet and had a french fry last week. Lucky for you, rush isn't until January and you still have several weeks to starve it off. Although it screams two years ago, the Subway Diet is coming back, with a twist. By only eating at the Duke Subway, you are guaranteed to lose five pounds per week, minimum. It's a revolutionary new concept: lose weight by eating less food.

Dinner with the fam will entail lots of fried things. Be polite and taste everything, but if you don't know what it is, be sure to ask. Whatever you do, stay away from chittlins. All the grease will make you fat, so be sure to throw it up later. If his mother hears you, just tell her you had too much Southern Comfort. She'll be glad to know that her son's Northern lady is at least trying to drink like she's worth a damn.

Since I have the room, I would like to thank Nick Christie and Bill English for making me look PC. Right now, Larry Moneta is realizing that he almost got through a column scot-free. But he's a weasel, so that didn't happen. A portly red-headed fellow asked me to smoke Larry, then took a swig from the right and another from the left and tiptoed off.

THE SECOND GUNMAN has never met Faran Krentcil and hopes she is not in cahoots with Coach K.


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