Unlucky Thirteen

There is no good reason why Thirteen Ghosts should be scary. The plot, what little of it there is, begins when a family, whose mother has died in a fire, learns that it has inherited a mansion from its late, ghost-chasing uncle.

What follows is an amalgamation of every possible horror movie cliche ever used in film. There is a haunted house, a basement full of ghosts, people who decide to "split up and search" and a complete lack of the self-conciousness that redeemed Scream and doomed every formulaic horror movie that followed it.

By the mid-point of the film, it's easy to predict almost everything that is going to happen. Despite this, Thirteen Ghosts is absolutely horrifying. The only explanation I have for this is the ghosts themselves. They are not particularly original, just particularly gruesome executioners killing their victims in the most gory ways possible.

Disturbing images crowd the screen, and the soundtrack consists of little more than tortured screams. If this sounds at all appealing to you, you should know that this movie features a truckful of blood (really), Matthew Lillard, Shannon Elizabeth and the line: "I hope to hell I don't bleed to death. That would suck."

My advice is that you not--under any circumstances--subject yourself to this distressing freak show of a movie. Still want to go? If you can stomach the gore, you may appreciate the special effects. Just don't blame me if you only make it to ghost number five.

GRADE: D-