Last week, in response to numerous NCAA rule-violation allegations regarding University of Kentucky football, the Kentucky athletic department set up a special toll-free number, 1-866-275-CATS, to call with information regarding past and current violations in all varsity sports.
I know what you're thinking: With Kentucky's gridiron team posting a dismal 1-6 record, how in the world did they violate recruiting procedures? Why are they breaking rules for mediocre athletes? Seriously, we expect these kinds of mass violations from a top-tier school that's trying to maintain its monopoly over the best athletes, but from the only team in the Southeastern Conference worse than Vanderbilt?
We may not know the answers soon, as the hotline is not yet up-and-running. Until it is, we can ruminate about what it will sound like:
"Thank you for calling the Cats Comply hotline.
"To complain about the win-loss record or our total lack of defense, press one.
"To inquire about the illegality of college athletic shoe contracts, press two.
"To report erroneous receipt of an envelope of cash, press three.
"To hear a list of statements you likely overheard a Kentucky coach saying to a high school football coach, press four.
"To file a grievance with one of our on-call bookies, press five.
"To obtain free season tickets to Wildcats football, press six.
"To request an electronic retransmission of the list of who is currently doing the defensive line's homework assignments, press seven.
"To speak with one of our Ohow to pick a free car' advisers, press eight.
"To prank call Rick Pitino, press nine.
"To express grief about your inferiority complex and the University of Louisville's 6-1 record, press zero. Operators are standing by."
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