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When Lemurs ruled Earth...

Later this summer Tim Burton's remake of The Planet of the Apes hits theaters. We know the story: man lands on an "unknown" planet and discovers that apes, not humans, are the dominant species. Certain similarities exist between all primates, including apes and Duke's favorite primate: the lemur. Like apes, lemurs are feisty, playful and dexterous. Why not Planet of the Lemurs? Some reasons why lemurs would not make a good dominant species:

1. Size: The average ape could render a human unconscious; the average lemur would have difficulty dueling a house cat.

2. Young: Apes give birth to young that, after a couple months, are reasonably self sufficient. Little lemurs are often carried in the mouth of their mother. That's pathetic.

3. Habits: Gorillas pick for nits and beat their chests--displaying precision and strength. Lemurs shriek like a five-year-old encountering a spider. Damn, that's pathetic.

4. Looks: Gorillas possess a human-like face that can be pretty intimidating. Lemurs may be primates, but they bear a striking resemblance to cuddly rodents with extended tails. It might look something like "Planet of the Hamsters."

--By Martin Barna


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