What in the name of James Naismith could Maine Central Institute possibly have in common with Seattle's Rainier Beach High School?
If you're stumped, here's a hint: think hypocrisy and a Pandora's box the size of the North American continent.
Still don't get it? Then you're probably not a basketball coach.
If you were, you'd know that the NCAA (check the dictionary under "misguided") is diving head-first into the shallow end with a recent string of actions that has coaches fuming and athletes fearing for their eligibility from the snow-covered northeast to the rain forests of Seattle.
First it was Jamal Crawford, a poor kid from Seattle who-imagine the nerve-took his mother's advice and moved across town to live with wealthy businessman Barry Henthorn and attend Rainier Beach.
The NCAA, sensing the inherent evil in what you and I would call an act of human kindness suspended Crawford-now a freshman at Michigan-for eight games and ordered him to repay Henthorn $15,000 for the "improper benefits" he received, including the improper items food, shelter and clothing.
Now where exactly do they expect an 18-year old kid from a poor background to find that kind of money? Considering the NCAA's rules on student-athletes holding jobs and the skills of your average college freshman, Crawford better hope the professional Playstation tour launches sooner rather than later.
Meanwhile, half a continent away, Maine Central wants to go toe-to-toe with the NCAA for harassing two of its former players, DerMarr Johnson and Erick Barkley, on the same high-school-education-as-an-improper-benefit theory.
MCI offers no athletic scholarships but has a history of providing-and accepting from third parties, including AAU coaches-forms of financial aid. So what?
Acting soon after Crawford's eight-game suspension, and while simultaneously considering a proposal to deregulate amateurism altogether, the NCAA (see: "consistency") slapped Johnson with a one-game ban for receiving tuition aid and ordered him to repay it.
Why? Because nothing says you've soiled your amateur status like a one-game suspension.
Barkley, who already lost two games for Jeepgate, an episode that set new lows for triviality, found out last night that he is next in line to pay the tuition tax (the NCAA has grounded him indefinitely). But at this rate, he surely won't be the last.
And that's a troubling thought for anyone with the foresight to recognize where this NCAA seek-and-suspend mission is headed. Is yours the next stop on the NCAA's tour of college towns? Hope you have a few talented walk-ons.
"If they really wanted to, they could find something on every single player in the NCAA, whether it's your junior high coach giving you a ride to a tournament or whatever," Duke junior and de facto student-athlete spokesperson Shane Battier said.
Battier, who will chair college hoops' first Student Basketball Conference during Final Four weekend, knows the NCAA has to draw a line somewhere-or risk falling apart.
"It's sad that the media is reduced to paying attention to... who accepted $25 or a Big Mac at McDonald's instead of all the great stories in sports," Battier said. "If they really wanted to, they could disband the NCAA for basketball."
AAU veteran Jason Williams says he had his parents to watch over him constantly. But not all kids are so lucky.
"I don't understand [the crackdown] personally," Williams said. "I could understand if somebody bought you a Lamborghini or a Ferrari or something, but... I think they're going too far."
So where does the NCAA draw the line? Is a cheeseburger OK, but not an extra-value meal?
For years, Mike Krzyzewski has screamed about establishing a basketball-specific governing body to anyone within earshot. Maybe the upshot to the latest mayhem is that, increasingly, people are listening.
Or maybe the idea will fall on deaf ears, and Duke will be the next school to pay for a teenager's unknowing mistakes.
A week after the Barkley saga hit Cameron Indoor Stadium comes a new test of the Cameron Crazies' ability to temper zealous support with an element of class.
North Carolina assistant coach Phil Ford, the Tar Heels' all-time leading scorer, has been the target of plenty of antagonism since his October arrest for driving while impaired.
Embarrassing? You bet.
Funny? Not at all.
In spite of Cameron's proud history of knowledgeable and issue-specific fans, there are some topics that should never be broached.
Alcoholism is a disease, and Phil Ford is a victim.
This is not a guy who stole handicapped parking permits, beat someone down on Franklin Street or attacked a drive-thru because they forgot his chalupa.
This is an ACC legend and a loyal assistant coach, one who spent years at Dean Smith's side, and, but for one unshakable weakness would have been a candidate himself to sit one day on the sky blue throne.
It's true that this wasn't Ford's first run-in with the law, and it seems clear that Smith may have acted unwisely (if kindly) in sweeping an earlier arrest under the proverbial carpet.
But the unfortunate repeat-offender nature of this episode only reinforces the fact that Ford is fighting an uphill battle. And while he does, the Cameron Crazies owe it to themselves and to this great rivalry to show respect for a man waging a very personal struggle.
We should all celebrate that Ford, who just four months ago hit rock bottom, is a survivor today. It would be a tragedy to tarnish an epic basketball series with thoughtless personal attacks.
UPON FURTHER REVIEW is a weekly column written by a Chronicle sportswriter. It appears every Wednesday.
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